SHELBY, NC – Waitress Doris Philbeck of Earl’s 25 Hour Grill is thrilled with her promotion to Head Server. According to Philbeck, the advancement means she will no longer have to work the Sunday afternoon shift when tips typically hit a weekly low. “Thank goodness I don’t have to endure that church crowd anymore. We have a nickname for them around here – God’s Tightwads.”

The 10-year restaurant veteran echoed the sentiments of her cafe colleagues who have grown weary of serving large parties of Christians and receiving less than 5% gratuity. In an exclusive THO interview conducted in the break room during Monday’s ‘Early Bird’ shift, Philbeck said, “It’s like, the longer and louder they say grace, the less tip you can expect. Everybody knows it. It’s infuriating. The worst is when they leave you a tract instead. One flocking member even left funny money with some ‘plan of salvation’ on it. Thanks. I’m sure Kroger’s redeems those for bread and milk. And if they don’t, I’ll just pray the sinner’s prayer until my hunger pains subside.”

Philbeck’s experience is buttressed by research from the Barna Group, who revealed that only 1 out of every 10 Christians leaves a tip of 15% or more. The group’s recent findings exposed a startling nationwide epidemic that reached a crisis point on February 25th – the opening night of Mel Gibson’s “The Passion of the Christ.”

The newly ordained Head Server believes it is a day that will live in dining infamy. “We call it ‘Black Wednesday,’” said the haggard single mother, 33, while taking a drag from a Salem Light 100. “After the matinee at Cinetropolis, all the homeschoolers started trickling in, and it was on. Youth groups of 6, 8, and 11 with their ‘Xtreme Teen’ Bibles and ‘Acquire the Fire’ T-shirts. Well, the only thing I acquired was the two buck tip their den mothers would leave after a $70.00 tab. And it only got worse from there. Singles groups, AWANA, Bethel Assembly’s 173 members, the Cloggers for Christ – it didn’t matter. I had one party of 47 who rang up a $634 bill. You know what I got? A $5 spot and a ‘This Was Your Life’ tract. How prescient. I dang near ‘offed’ myself that night.”

The seasoned waitress’s nasal exhale seemed to release more than mere cigarette smoke. For Philbeck, the shift change resulting from her promotion is an emancipation from years of Sunday afternoon stiffings. “All I know is, I can go home after my shift and tell my daughter that we can afford cable now. And no more nightmares about men and women in Lord’s Gym and Real Men Love Jesus T-shirts. Thank God for truckers and bikers.”

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – The creators of the notorious “Darwin Fish” car emblem have developed a controversial new product designed to win a decisive victory in a battle that has raged for a decade now. In a move hailed by supporters as “the final blow” in that battle, Ring of Fire Enterprises is set to release their newest product, a silver outline of a Tyrannosaurus Rex eating the creationist “Truth Fish.”

The ten-year clash began when Ring of Fire Enterprises released its first product, the infamous Darwin fish. Designed to counter the popularity of the Ichthus Fish, the original Christian fish symbol, the first Ring of Fire emblem featured an Ichthus Fish with evolutionary feet and the word “Darwin” emblazoned inside. The creationist response was the now-famous “Truth” emblem, a larger Ichthus fish containing the word “truth” swallowing the Darwin fish whole.

For years, the Truth fish has been the last word in automotive iconography—until now. In late 2003, the ROF board of directors commissioned a new image, one that would counter the popularity of the Truth fish.

“It’s a matter of finishing what we started, really,” says ROF co-founder Nona S. Williams with a chuckle. “The original Darwin fish stated our initial message well, but we had to admit the Christians responded pretty strongly. We don’t anticipate they can trump the new T-Rex emblem so easily!”

Indeed, the board of directors was hoping for a decisive blow when it commissioned the new piece; from the start, it was proposed to be the largest car emblem yet. For such a task, they called upon the talents of the anonymous designer of the original Darwin fish.

Williams admits this might deter some people from purchasing their newest product. But, she says, ROF was willing to accept that drawback on a statement that will be difficult if not impossible to thwart. “The creationists might be able to come up with something to eat our T-Rex—God knows they’re clever enough to come up with bogus theories about the primordial fossil record—but let’s see them fit it on their cars!”

The release of the T-Rex emblem has some in the Christian community worried. But the latest attack on the Ichthus fish doesn’t worry Bob Woodward, the creator of the Truth fish. In a recent press release, he argued that truth is more than a catchy slogan or trendy bumper sticker, and pointed out a fatal flaw in the Darwinists’ decision to include a dinosaur in their latest offering: extinction. “The last Tyrannosaurus Rex fell down dead over 60 million years ago. The Truth of literal biblical creationism, on the other hand, is the same yesterday, today, and forever.”