MUSKEGON, MI – In the days leading up to July 6th, the U.S. government and private technology experts issued warnings that hackers involved in a loosely organized contest planned to attack thousands of computers across the country. Although the contest is over and the severity of the damage is unknown, it is certain that at least the owners and users of BibleGateway.com have fallen victim to one hacker’s malicious and deceptive onslaught. The attack involved breaking into BibleGateway.com’s computers and switching the online versions of the King James Bible and the Amplified Bible. The results of this assault echoed through sanctuaries and chapels all across the nation.

From Sunday at 1:28 AM till Tuesday at 7:39 PM anyone at BibleGateway.com who looked up passages in the King James Version of the Bible was actually presented with passages from the Amplified Bible (and vice versa). It wasn’t until BibleGateway.com’s feedback center was bombarded with thousands of complaints that they looked into and resolved the issue. Compliments were also submitted.

Barbara Hamburg, one of the site’s support specialists recalls, “At first we were confused. I mean, the complaints were very confusing, like, ‘Your KJV sucks!’ and ‘What foul-mouthed blasphemer wrote your Bibles?’ So for a couple of days we just responded with our standard ‘Just trust in the Lord and pray—everything will work out for good!’ That usually does the trick.”

Rainford explains, “I was up very late on little sleep Friday night gathering God’s word for my sermon slides. I must’ve been too tired to notice the devil’s foothold pulling me down into the demonic realm of blasphemy. The screen said it was the KJV, but evil can creep in very subtly!”

Some of Rainford’s cohorts, while horrified by the mix-up, are surprised that he of all people could let this slip by. Pastor Dale Embrook, another speaker at the conference, explains, “Good mercy, there was nothing subtle about the toxin that was spewing from his mouth! How Satan was able to deceive him on such a simple verse, I do not know.”

The verse in question is John 11:35—the shortest verse in the Bible. Instead of reading “Jesus wept,” as found in the KJV, Rainford quoted the Amplified Bible and read, “Jesus, the certain god-man whose blessed flesh was pierced by the sword as he, the redeemer of all iniquity, stood troubled in the shadow of one man’s recent death as the power-indwelling Spirit set weight on his holy tear ducts, wept.”

Billy Zeoli, president and CEO of BibleGateway.com’s parent company Gospel Communications International, responded to the hacker’s attack, “We are truly saddened by this malicious act. Also, as unfortunate and disturbing as this attack is, it is clearly stated in our disclaimer that the accuracy of our online content cannot be guaranteed and Gospel Communications International is not in any way liable for the negative ramifications that may result from the use of its content. Again, our hearts are with each and every victim of this crime.” His compassion runs deeper still, as he later vowed to “pay more attention” to the integrity of gospelcom.net’s content.

As the AFBA and every other victim of this ruthless attack begins to heal, we are reminded that evil has no boundaries in its quest to corrupt what is good and deceive oblivious Internet users.

CROCKETT’S BLUFF, AR – In a startling collision of modern technology and ministry, Crockett’s Bluff Community Church is the first known church in America to use Logitech’s biochip technology to receive its weekly tithes and offerings.

According to last year’s church theme – “Be ID’d With CBCC in ‘03″ – the congregation of 15,782 outfitted each member of its flock with a subdermal microchip in the right hand. The device, smaller than a mustard seed, contains the banking information of each worshipper and is scanned by an usher as he or she enters the sanctuary.

Pastor Bud Caldwell readily admits news of the action is sure to send end times specialists scrambling to rewrite their works of eschatological punditry. “Oh there’ll be a buzz for a while. Especially from the Van Impe’s. Forgive me for saying this, but it doesn’t take much for Rexella to get her prophetic panties in a bunch. If those two were halfway to heaven when credit cards came out, I can only imagine.”

Some church members were admittedly unnerved when Caldwelll cast the vision for the ambitious plan. Three years ago, Allison and Randy Peavey left their sputtering church of 1,500 in Little Rock to attend the suburban fellowship. Said 27 year old homemaker Allison, “I was really shocked, like, ‘is my pastor Nicolae Carpathia or something?’ But when Pastor Bud told us our contributions were still tax deductible, I was reassured.”

“I just figured anybody who runs a church this big has to know what he’s doing,” said Randy, a 42 year old CFO. “Besides, we prayed and felt a peace about it.”

Terry Whisnant, 32, is pragmatic about the whole thing. “I do all my banking online anyway. The chip is just another convenience for me – it’s one less thing to think about at church. Besides, Jesus tells us when we give we shouldn’t let the left hand know what the right hand is doing. I can’t think of a more perfect application of that verse.”

Still, the 51-year-old pastor tries to alleviate the fears of newcomers, often employing lighthearted humor. “Before my message I ask the visitors to give us a “hand” in the work God is doing at CBCC. Get it? Hand…”

What may not be a laughing matter to some newcomers at CBCC is the foyer fellowship policy. In the church’s official welcome brochure, Visitors Pastor Hugh Dowd makes it clear that if you are not chipped, you cannot partake in post-service coffee and donuts. “There is a flipside however,” said Dowd. “Once chipped, you not only get food and fellowship, but you also get a ten percent discount at our bookstore/Starbucks for a year.”

For his part, Lead Deacon Ralph Phillips is just happy to be getting home earlier on Sundays. “By not taking an offering, we’re saving 20 minutes per service. Also, I don’t have to count money afterwards. That’s another half hour. Now I’m home for the 1 o’clock game. How ’bout them Cowboys!”

Though he’s sure to face a firestorm from pre-millennials, the affable Caldwell seems unfazed by the technology’s semblance to what eschatologists such as Hal Lindsay and Chuck Missler refer to as the mark of the beast in Revelation 13. “Look, I’m a classic dispensationalist myself, but I see it as a win-win situation. We either continue at the cutting edge of contemporary ministry, or we trigger the rapture and bada bing, we’re outta here, brother!”

CINCINNATI, OH – Cincinnati resident Steve Philips is noticeably more excited about his recent switch from Windows-based PCs to Apple computers than his recent conversion from atheism to Christianity. Philips, an account manager for Choice Communications, was baptized shortly after his conversion and is in contact with Apple computers as a potential candidate for the company’s popular “Switcher” ad campaign.

The two life changes came about the same time but had different influences, according to Philips. “Well, I became a Christian in late June after talking to my friend Ted, who’s a really smart guy. The switch to Mac was more a result of some pretty intense personal study, looking at web sites that compare Windows and the Mac OS, price comparisons, and stuff like that. I bought an eMac after the [4th of July] holiday to replace my home computer, and I just got a sweet new iBook laptop for work last week.” Philips also cited moral reasons for the changes, specifically the fact that millions of people are victimized by Microsoft’s poor security, and the company knowingly sells a faulty product.

The change in Philips has been difficult for his irreligious, PC-using family, who feel as though he has abandoned the culture in which he was raised. “All Steve can talk about lately is Mac, Mac, Mac,” complained sister Yvette. “Yesterday he went on and on about how Safari and Panther are going to revolutionize the way people use computers. It’s like he’s on another continent.” Philips’s mother Jackie has been distressed by the change as well: “Stevie used to help me with my computer, you know, because I’m not so good at getting the world wide net to work right. But he hasn’t helped me in weeks. He just keeps saying, ‘Ma, I can’t support Bill Gates by helping you with your computer anymore.’ Who is Bill Gates? I don’t know what to do!”

The conversions are sparking more than a little concern among Philips’s friends as well, although it is unclear which one has had more of an impact. “Everybody was skeptical of me at first, of course,” remarked Philips. “My friends made fun of me for a while, and that was hard. But I just told them I’m different now—the old, Windows-using Steve was gone, and a new, enlightened Mac-user had taken his place.” The friction with friends is aggravated by the fact that Philips regularly seeks to convince his Windows-based friends that they, too, should make the switch.

The imbalance may be causing a problem for Philips’s Christian witness, however. Co-worker Dave Wilson was surprised to find that Philips was a new Christian. “What, Steve, a Christian? I had no idea. But I guess it would be pretty easy to miss, what with him shoving that stupid iBook in my face four or five times a day. Geez, I wish he’d just leave me alone and let me live my life the way I want to.”