SANTA ANA, CA – For everyone who has ever tuned into the Trinity Broadcasting Network (TBN)—broadcast on satellite and cable systems across the country—and thought, “This can’t be serious,” it turns out you were right.

Local and federal law enforcement officials have uncovered an elaborate scheme engineered by an atheist group and aimed at embarrassing the Christian religion; a scheme that has been going on for nearly 30 years.

Among other startling discoveries, officials have learned that TBN—which has claimed from the beginning to exist for the purpose of furthering God’s kingdom – was actually founded by Broadcasters Against God (BAG)—a loosely organized faction of Hollywood atheists—in 1973 and has been operated by the group ever since.

“We’ve been on this case for years,” said special federal investigator Scott Hines. “I mean, come on. Have you ever watched this channel?”

A 250-page report released this week reveals that TBN’s ridiculous-looking sets featuring enormous purple thrones lined with ornate gold patterns and hosts with huge hairdos and caked-on makeup were used purposely to give bleary-eyed channel surfers a distorted view of Christianity.

“The biggest surprise to me is that we were able to get away with it for so long,” BAG President Wayne Mailer said in a signed confession included in the report. “I mean, seriously, Christians were actually giving money to keep this channel on the air! It was unbelievable.”

In fact, TBN was primarily supported by viewer contributions over the years, although officials are now taking a good, hard look at the motives behind a series of large gifts from media mogul Ted Turner.

“I pity the fools who gave money to this network,” born again entertainer Mr. T said upon learning of the scam. He’s just one of many Christians who unwittingly participated in the deception by making numerous appearances on TBN.

“This is totally whack,” echoed Christian music artist Carman, another TBN regular. “Anyone who would carry on something like this for so long needs a check up from the neck up. What the dilly?”

It’s unclear what charges will be levied against BAG since there are no laws against disingenuous programming. But one thing is almost certain—officials have no intention of walking away from years of investigating without handing down a conviction.

“Just putting together this kind of painful television for two decades deserves pretty serious punishment,” Hines said. “Believe me, we’re gonna make something stick.”

The strike began on November 7, two days after the WGA strike hit Hollywood. But whereas the Hollywood writers are picketing for a contract that includes a share of revenue generated from Internet movie sales, most Christian television networks have no intention to produce any such “new media” content. The Christian Writers Guild is striking simply for higher wages, particularly in light of the colossal revenues generated by the largest networks.

Trinity Broadcasting Network, or TBN, is the largest Christian television network in the world, and as such it is a main target of the CWG strike. The network is thought to bring in almost $190 million each year, and with no public accounting records, it is unknown where most of that money goes.

According to Todd Samuels, the CWG chairman, not nearly enough of it goes into the pockets of Christian screenwriters. “How many of those 190 million dollars were the result of Benny Hinn’s healing crusades? How much would [Hinn’s program] This Is Your Day generate without CWG members working hard every day to write healing scenarios?” Samuels recently asked the frenzied crowd at a rally. “We’ll just have to see, won’t we? Those people don’t decide to show up in wheelchairs on their own, you know!”

TBN has also felt the impact of the strike in their film division, which was in the midst of initial work on two highly-anticipated sequels. With no end to the strike in sight, Omega Code 3: Postmillennial Insurrections and Carman: The Two-Time Champion, both scheduled to begin shooting in 2008, are now on hold indefinitely.

Meanwhile, the strike is having the most impact when it comes to TBN’s most important programming component: fundraising. Jan and Paul Crouch, co-founders of the network and still its most productive fundraisers, have seen a drop of nearly $2 million weekly during the strike. Stripped of their once poetic pleas for donations, the Crouches have now been reduced to standing on screen with their palms open and pockets turned inside out.

Despite the downturn in giving, Paul Crouch remains optimistic. “They can’t strike forever, right? It’s not like they can go get a job in Hollywood,” Crouch mused. “Besides, I’m pretty sure Jesus will be coming back any day now, so it won’t matter.”