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VOLUME 1 • ISSUE 3   |   Release date: July 15, 2003

In This Issue
Christ in Tortilla Shell
Hacker Attacks
"Good Morning" Routine Played Out
Millions Damned For Potter-Related Sins
July Church Sign of the Month
Crappy Bands Survey Results

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Your Pastor's "Good Morning" Routine is Sooooo Played
By Brother Matt

WARNING: The following column is rated IL for containing more inclusive language than a United Methodist sermon. Fundamentalists are strongly cautioned.

You've been there. I've been there. And just about anyone who has ever attended church has been there more than once. The pastor steps to the microphone for the first time on Sunday morning and says, "Good Morning." Then, when the congregation's response is not particularly enthusiastic, he (or perhaps she for our liberated readers) says something like, "Let's try that again" or "Now, you can do better than that" or taps the microphone a la some cheesy stand up comic and asks, "Is this thing on?" I've even heard a pastor say, "That morning sounded like it had a 'u' in it."

There's only one appropriate word for this type of behavior. Sheesh!

Ok, now that you're done burying your head in your hands out of sheer embarrassment for your pastor, lets get down to the business of saying "Goodbye" to the "Good Morning" routine.

Perhaps at some point in time long, long ago in a sanctuary far, far away the "Good Morning" routine was amusing or clever – like maybe the first time that someone did it or the first time that we all heard it. But I have a big, fat, bold typeface front page New York Times banner headline caliber news flash for pastors everywhere: THE "GOOD MORNING" ROUTINE IS NOT FUNNY! Nor is it clever. Nor is it entertaining, or, frankly, even tolerable.

The time has come to put a stop to the "Good Morning" routine. But it doesn't seem like pastors have the willpower to resist the potential for a gratuitous chuckle.

But perhaps the only thing more astounding than the perpetual cheesiness of this outdated ritual is the way that people everywhere continue to play along. You can't really blame the pastors for doing it when we all fall in line so dutifully. So here's what we're gonna do. Every single member of every single congregation across the country, regardless of denomination or relationship to the pastor, needs to refuse to participate.

When your pastor gets up there and says "Good Morning," give him or her one "Good Morning" back and then firmly pull the draw strings on your "Good Morning" sack. Lock your trunk full of "Good Mornings" and throw away the key. I don't care if your pastor taps on the mic, asks you if you forgot to set your alarm clock or cleans out his or her ears with his or her pinky finger. Just sit there and clam up. It is absolutely the only way to make sure that your church will never have to endure this ridiculous routine ever again.

When your pastor is met with utter silence, he or she will be so flustered and embarrassed that he or she will not be able to move on to the call to worship fast enough. Mission accomplished. I can assure you that it will only take one Sunday of conspicuous silence for your pastor to retire the "Good Morning" routine for good.

Good work, everybody, and until next time, stay holy and keep observing!

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