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VOLUME 1 • ISSUE 4   |   Release date: September 15, 2003

In This Issue
End-Times Blackout?
Harry Potter Alternatives
Paying Whites to Stay Away
Happy About Mac Conversion
Church Limits Prayer Requests
Last Line One More Time, Again
September Church Sign of the Month

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End-Times Blackout?
Millions of Christians fear they are "left behind"

End-Times Blackout?NEW YORK CITY – While masses of New Yorkers were stuck in elevators due to the August 14th blackout, it appeared that masses of Christians were stuck to windows as they peered into the sky, hoping to get a glimpse of Christ's return. According to millions of vigilant (pre-tribulation) Christians, the largest blackout in US history, like so many other unprecedented events throughout history, had to be the beginning of the end.

"You have nothing to worry about—I'm still here, aren't I?" said one pastor with a chuckle as he tried to calm the hearts and minds of his 180 parishioners at Gullpost Community Church in Lakewood, OH. "But seriously, you can stop looking for a white horse in the sky. No, seriously."

Rev. Carson Bluff, pastor of another church in the Cleveland, OH suburbs exclaimed, "The only thing more difficult than rationing my family's last gallon of water between the six of us was convincing them that it wouldn't be their last drink before the end of the world."

While most of us try to hide the fact if we caught ourselves looking up to the sky for a second during the blackout, others seem oddly prideful of their claims to be witnessing the second coming of Christ. One New York City woman told THO how confident she was that she would have "a physical encounter with Jesus that day," which seems reasonable enough, if not for the fact that she also claimed to have thought the same thing in 1965 and 1977 during NYC's other two massive blackouts.

Still, some hold to the Blackout Trifecta theory, which was originally proposed by the American monk Brother L. Thomas in 1977. After New York's second blackout, Thomas claimed that one day there would be a third blackout in NYC, which would signify the moral blackout on Earth and prompt Christ's return. Of course his claim held little weight with nearly every scholar until August 14th. But now, his theory holds little weight with all but a few scholars, give or take a few.

Although most Christians are unaware of Thomas' theory, many are convinced that this latest blackout did, in fact, trigger Christ's return.

"The end isn't unfolding just like in the movies," explained Frank Portolli, a spokesman for the Pre-Millennial Supporters (PMS). "I am a fan of Lahaye's entire catalog, but he had a few things wrong—like underestimating the extent to which the government can cover-up the massive disappearances that occurred last month! We can't be certain that this is the end, but people are reported missing every day. Coincidence? PMS members would be here either way, as we will be left to educate the damned."

Portolli also addressed the common misconception that planes would crash when pilots are "taken up" with the rest of the Christians. "Most people don't realize how good those autopilot mechanisms are on the planes these days. Sometimes the airlines don't even take pilots on the short flights!"

The saddest part of this story is that millions of supposed Christians' lives have nearly come to a halt, as they lament being "left behind."

"I haven't left my house for weeks," said Kathy Brighton. "What's the point now? Eternal damnation isn't much of a motivator."

In the wake of last month's record-breaking blackout, it seems the rest of us are left with two options—either there exists a vast number of misguided and paranoid Christians or the road of the righteous is much narrower than originally perceived.

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