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VOLUME 1 • ISSUE 6   |   Release date: November 15, 2003

In This Issue
Second Coming Thwarted
Denominational Unity
Christians Believe Anything on Internet
"Holidays" Blamed for Low Attendance
Bow Hunting Analogies Increase
Top 10 Worst-Ever Life Verses
Survey Results
November Church Sign of the Month

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Christ's Second Coming Thwarted at US-Canadian Border
Second Coming Twarted
Border Patrol look away from the Lord's radiant light
as they carry Him away

NIAGARA FALLS, ON (Canada) – The return of Christ to earth and the rapture of the church will both have to wait, thanks to American customs agent Richard Corning. Corning thwarted the apocalypse when he halted Jesus Christ's vehicle on its way across the Canadian border with the United States.

The stop was troublesome from the start, when Corning asked Jesus his country of origin. When Jesus indicated that he was born in the Middle East, Corning began to question the intentions of the Lord's trip into the United States. THO obtained the following transcript of the conversation, taken from the booth's security camera.

Richard Corning: "Nation of birth?"
Jesus Christ: "I was born in the area you know as the Middle East."
Corning: "What were you doing in Canada?"
Christ: "I was spreading the good news."
Corning: "What, are you some kind of preacher or something?"
Christ: "It is as you say."
Corning: "How long are you planning to be in the United States?"
Christ: "Just long enough to gather my followers together on the way to Jerusalem."
Corning: "Jerusalem! What are you going to do there?"
Christ: "The kingdom of God is at hand."
Corning: "All right, pal. Step out of the car. I'm gonna need to see some I.D., too."

Richard Corning
Richard Corning on the job

It was at this point the encounter moved out of reach of the recording device in the customs booth. Witnesses indicate that the questioning went on for a short time longer before customs agents and border patrol reinforcements came and placed Jesus in handcuffs. Shortly thereafter, a blinding light surrounded the Lord, forcing everyone near to turn away. It was then that the visibly frustrated Messiah gave up and ascended back to heaven.

Peter Browning, a native of Buffalo, was there to observe the ordeal. "Well, first they just kinda shook their fingers at him and asked him who he thought he was," noted Browning. "But then they started to get rough, and they put him on the hood of a police car. It was like they thought he was a terrorist or something. That's when that big flash of light came. Then he just—flew away!"

Eschatologists claim that this incident is indicative of a profound lack of preparedness for the end times. John Hagee, founder of John Hagee Ministries, was passionate in his response to the event: "This is clearly a fulfillment of my recent sermon on the four custom agents of the final days! Church, you've got to get ready for the Lord's return! Will you join us in a covenant of loyalty to Christ? Won't you donate to the cause of telling all the world about Jesus, so that no customs agent on any border will ever thwart the rapture again?"

The encounter at Niagara Falls marks the second unfortunate postponement of the Lord's return in the last 25 years. The previous attempt in 1981 failed when Jesus tried to make passage from West Berlin to East Berlin and was met with gunfire and attack dogs at the Berlin Wall.

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