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VOLUME 1 • ISSUE 6   |   Release date: November 15, 2003

In This Issue
Second Coming Thwarted
Denominational Unity
Christians Believe Anything on Internet
"Holidays" Blamed for Low Attendance
Bow Hunting Analogies Increase
Top 10 Worst-Ever Life Verses
Survey Results
November Church Sign of the Month

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Tips for Interdenominational Unity
by Trick Dalmer

Have you ever felt like denominational barriers are tearing apart the body of Christ? Do you ever wonder why there is so much animosity within the Kingdom? So do we! On occasion, The Holy Observer staff responds to issues that are crucial in the life of the Church. This month we feel an urgent need to address the issue of interdenominational unity, as Christ called for in his lengthiest recorded prayer while on Earth (John 17).

The results and comments left by readers in our "Which denomination would you kick out of Christianity?" survey saddened us deeply. Even the usefulness of the survey is now limited due to the selfish motivation of those who voted.

That is why we feel it is our responsibility to offer some helpful tips for you and your church that may counteract the negative trends we see these days. Interdenominational unity can be achieved!

  1. Bible Trivia Competitions
    These competitions can be organized as casually or as formally as you like. Typically, each church (or in this case, each denomination) assembles a team and sends it to represent itself at a local, regional, or national competition, which is generally held on neutral territory. It's usually a good idea to have a multi-denominational committee compile the trivia questions so they don't lean to far towards the biblical expertise of a particular denomination.

    These friendly competitions are a great way to get to know people who aren't like you in any way. They also help determine which denomination truly is the smartest, and therefore the best.

  2. "Appreciation Days"
    Sometimes, it's easy to take for granted particular aspects of contemporary Christianity or our outdated Christian heritage. "Appreciation Days" of all types can help remind us of things the entire Kingdom of God shares.

    For example, "Calvinist Appreciation Day" would be a great opportunity for people of all denominations to get together and recognize the archaic, constraining, and all-but-forgotten theology of predestination. We could have a good laugh about how stupid and misguided some of the great saints throughout history were. The only thing better than forgetting theologies that shaped the early church is celebrating how good it is that we've forgotten about them.

    Or, "Charismatic Appreciation Day" would be a blast! People in every church would benefit from seminars such as, "Learning Tongues for Dummies: Practice Makes Perfect," "Not Healin'? Push 'em Harder," and the never-before-seen lecture series, "Interpretation," to be released in Feb. 2006.

  3. Christian Cockfighting (Texas only, please)
    Nothing says unity like getting together to see whose cock is the biggest or baddest. Cockfighting has a long history of bringing friends together, especially in rural areas and urban ghettos. For those who aren't steeped in the tradition, it can be a good opportunity to explore another diverse culture and discuss its qualities with one another.

    Cockfights are great because they don't take much space or preparation. In fact, less space often leads to more exhilarating fights. You know, nowhere to run, cock! And don't forget the fellowship you'll share with everyone as you kick back afterwards and eat the losers. That's also a great time converse about how the Trinity is a lot like an egg. The whole event is very resourceful.

    So next time you're in Texas, make sure you have your cock in hand! You never know when you'll come across an opportunity for a good interdenominational cockfight!

  4. Anti-Catholic Rallies
    Have you ever felt saddened about the fact that there are so many denominations that seemingly divide the Church? And have you ever wondered why they're all protestant and not Catholic. Well, rest assured—there are good reasons. A great sense of interdenominational unity can be achieved when we get together and rally for the one thing we all have in common—we're not Catholic.

    Anti-Catholic rallies help us remember what puts the "protest" in "Protestant"—the fact that the Holy Roman Empire is wholly wrong! Not only can all denominations share this common ground, but also this sort of public display sheds some light in a dark world. A light that says, "The Church is unified, without them!" Don't forget your "Faith Alone, Losers!" picketing signs. They work well!

  5. Third Day's "Come Together" Listening Sessions
    Certain songs throughout history have a particular significance and relevance to the life of the Church. One of these songs is "Come Together" by Third Day. It speaks of a time when God will have all of his people come together (except Catholics, of course), and urges us to come together now until we come together then. Imagine how much every denomination will be together if we all come together to listen to "Come Together!"

    This song is great because, besides briefly mentioning putting aside hate for love, it is so ambiguous in its real-life application that we can insert any specific meaning that we like, together. What denomination can't agree to let everyone think whatever they want to think?! There is a certain freedom in ambiguity. Just make sure that when everyone has come together you don't accidentally let the CD play on to another track, which may contain some actual specific theology, which may cause disputes.

  6. Abortion Clinic Vandalism / Sabotage
    If there is ever a reason that denominations should unify it is to fight the war against abortion. Countable abortions take place every day and what are we doing together to stop them? Clinic bombings generally occur at the hand of a small number of individuals, so we don't usually recommend them for interdenominational unity. But vandalism and sabotage can include large numbers of people, who are all armed with eggs, spray-paint, bricks, and more! It's also a great chance for you to share with others the vandalistic tactics of your particular denomination.

    For example, maybe the Church of God never thought of letting millions of fire ants into the ventilation system. And maybe the United Methodists never thought about the effect a 1976 Chevy Nova could have on a brick wall if contact was made while traveling at full speed.

    You see, there's power in numbers. And remember to leave some sort of "signature" at the scene, as well. Like a cool spray-painted UNIFYD across the window you leave unbroken, or something. Fake Anthrax mailings cause quite a stir, too.

These are just a few of the unifying activities your can organize to help make the Church as it was intended. We wish you well in your endeavors to break down the interdenominational walls that the other foolish denominations keep putting up!

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