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VOLUME 1 • ISSUE 7   |   Release date: December 15, 2003

In This Issue
Saddam Hussein Converts
Re-Commits Outnumber Conversions
Church Expels Non-Purpose Driven
Obese Bishop
Worship Leaders Annoyed
Survey Results
Church Sign of the Month Christmas Special

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What's your least favorite sermon topic?
Survey results and user comments

Below are some of the votes and comments submitted by readers who took last month's survey.

Kirk Crane - Augusta, GA

Voted for: Modern Increases in Natural Disasters
Reason: OK, maybe this isn't a whole sermon most of the time, but STOP using this point as evidence that the end is around the corner!!! Has it ever occurred to any pastor that there is probably a modern increase in natural disaster detecting equipment, too?!

Ryan Pollock - Salina, KS
Voted for: Any series on the family
Reason: I'm a 24-year-old single college student. And don't give me any of that, "This stuff is important for you singles out there too, because one day you'll be married" crap.

Lisa - Rochester, NY
Voted for: 5 Steps to a Better Prayer Life
Reason: Especially when it includes lame things like 'find a quiet place' and 'pray every morning at 6am' but doesn't actually give any examples of how to pray from scripture. Like, oh I don't know, THE LORD'S PRAYER.

Kathy Black - Gilroy, CA
Voted for: Middle East Prophecy Update
Reason: We know - a firecracker went off in Israel, Russia's invading, Rapture, Antichrist, blah, blah, blah...

Stacie Kramer - Bend, OR
Voted for: Sex
Reason: Our youth leader gives us this sermon, like, every three weeks. If he weren't so cute, I'd leave the youth group.

Clair Voyant - Delphi, WV
Voted for: Postmodernism
Reason: Let's work this out together, shall we? If modern means 'characteristic of the present time' (Random House), and 'post' is a prefix meaning 'after or later than' (still Random House); then logically postmodern means: 'after or later than the present time'. Now bounce this off the definition of the word 'future': That which will exist any time after the present (Webster. Page missing in my Random House dictionary.) How strange! They sound like the same definition! And sermons about the future should be left to the eschatologists (no definition necessary for Good Christians), not my hack local pastor! Thank you very much.

Jordan Walsh - Erie, PA
Voted for: John 11:35
Reason: Oooh, you're so clever. You can build a whole sermon around two words. I'm REALLY impressed!

Dennis Russell - Rochester NY
Voted for: Free-Will Theism
Reason: Come on isn't it obvious. If anyone with half a brain cell took even the slightest intellectual look at the Bible they would see that Predestination is the truth. I mean the Holy Bible is so clear that we have nothing to say about what happens in this life. God has decided everything we are just mere puppets on a string having our chains yanked by the Master Puppeteer. I just wish people would stop twisting Holy Scripture to form to their own biases. Is it too much to ask for everyone to 'Come Together', recognize Calvin as the Saint he is and Wesley as the damned heretic he is, who is currently burning in hell along with Pelagius.

Jo Ann Ross - Birmingham, AL
Voted for: Stewardship
Reason: If I have to hear that Lexus-driving pastor tell me I need to give him money one more time, I think I'll scream!

Dax - Mississuaga, Ontario
Voted for: What Is Love Really, And Why You Shouldn't Date
Reason: I swear the spirit of Joshua Harris has come upon our preacher, but the last time I asked a girl out, I didn't say "I'm ready to make a life commitment to you, and to father your children, but not get emotionally or physically involved until marriage. You in?"

Kt - Porterville
Voted for: Love
Reason: OK do we have to do the Agape, Eros, Phileo, thing over and over, no more please.

Trinity - Rochester, NY
Voted for: Tithing/Stewardship
Reason: Because if God created the universe. What does he need with my money? He can make his own. Now if I was getting a good service, some rocking tunes and it was in a bar, I would pay for it, but the church pastors are just greedy.

Summer - Melbourne, FL
Voted for: This generation is worse than all the ones that came before
Reason: Yes, because the Inquisition, slavery, witch hunting and the sub-humanization of women weren't bad at ALL.

Sam Long - Bristol, TN
Voted for: The End Times
Reason: Brittany Spears is the anti-Christ - what else needs to be said?

Jen Hall - Winston, NC
Voted for: Drinking
Reason: One time my pastor went on and on about how I shouldn't drink and how playing quarters is against God's law and how I was throwing my life away and how I had no discipline or respect and how I would get kicked out of the house if I didn't start.... oh, wait, that was my mom when I was in middle school.

Larry Picket - Lovelock, NV
Voted for: Any Mother's Day Sermon
Reason: Yes, we all know how important moms are. And yes, we know that there are many godly moms in the Bible. No, we don't want you to hand us another one of those corny 'honey-do' sticks that moms/wives can use on Mother's day to tell us what to do.

Beth Barton - Page, AZ
Voted for: Money
Reason: I once visited a church and heard a sermon that went on about all the improvements that they had made to the church and all the nifty stuff they had (like a grand piano). Then they asked for more money. Yeah, right. Go get a god.

Cheryl Allen - Salt Lake City, UT
Voted for: Mormons
Reason: My uncle is a Mormon, and he doesn't hate black people or have 7 wives...Lay off!

Peter, Paul, and Mary
Voted for: Anything from the Old Testament
Reason: We hate that 'Old School' way of thinking. Besides, those books are too long. With our ADHD, we can only concentrate on shorter sermons like the ones from 3rd John. That gives us less time to forget what we are going to order at Applebee's and we get there ahead of all those who listened to a longer sermon. Isn't the New Testament new and improved anyways? Who needs to hear of those 10 commandments and the law over and over again?

Wally Frist - New Haven, CT
Voted for: New Age/Occult
Reason: If I didn't have a brain, I might actually be led to believe that listening to Yanni was sinful. It's not's just kinda stupid.

The Red Bearded Pianist - Chesapeake, VA
Voted for: Youth Missions
Reason: I have no problem with giving to missions, and in fact, that is my point. No one needs to be convinced that missions are important. We get it, already. We always have. And the worst thing is that we always end up watching those camp videos with the rope courses and water sports; you know, like, 'Son River Valley Adventure!' or something, with the bad camera work, overbearing music and bizarre closeups of the fat kid who needs to pull his pants up. I can't stand it!

Rick Presley - Marengo, OH
Voted for: Tithing
Reason: My money is my own business. The church has no business asking for it.

Angel Suarez - El Paso, TX
Voted for: Infant Baptism
Reason: Yeah, cuz that should be a sermon!

Adam Congdon - Rochester, NY
Voted for: End Times
Reason: He will get here when He gets here, lets not obsess over when it'll be! Besides, it's been the Last Days for like 2000 years now.

Sarah Hammond - Payson, UT
Voted for: Prayer
Reason: Well I guess I'm not against this sermon topic in theory, but will someone give a GOOD sermon on prayer!?!? I've heard enough "if you don't pray God can't do things" crap!

Theresa Ford
Voted for: Gleanings From Leviticus

Helen Thomas - Battle Creek, MI
Voted for: Stewardship
Reason: Yeah, we know, we know. Everything we have is God's, and we need to give as an act of worship. Blah, blah, blah. How about a sermon about not guilting your congregation into giving for a change?

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