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VOLUME 1 • ISSUE 11   |   Release date: April 15, 2004

In This Issue
Cowell: Special Music "Really Awful"
Darwinists Strike Again
SBs Boast Highest Rate of "Passion"
Survey Results
April Church Sign of the Month

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What Christian celebrity is most likely to actually make it into Heaven?
Survey results and user comments

Below are some of the votes and comments submitted by readers who took last month's survey.

Jeremy - Newburgh, IN
Voted For: Rick Warren
Reason: Because he has a purpose-driven life!
THO's Response: Dang! We didn't see that one coming! We apologize to the other 47 people for not also posting your identical responses; Tara, Jim, Quinn, Laurie, Phil, Paul, Heather, et al. — you know who you are.

Clare Grout - Billings, MT
Voted For: Ned Flanders
Reason: What a perfect picture of what a Christian should be. Literally, he's a picture. Someone draws him.

Rufus - Rochester, NY
Voted For: DMX
Reason: DMX is the man. He's always showin peeps the way, teachin to pray, every day. He shows off that God is his bro, that they're tight ya know? Who cares if there's a Parental Advisory, that advisory should advise the rents to get their kids listenin to quality role models like our boi the rough rida. He preaches God from da rooftops of the hood and the subs from the Escalades. Heaven's gotta crib just for him.

David Drake - Wyoming, MI
Voted For: Rob Bell
Reason: I know that most have never heard of him... (He is the Pastor of a large church in Michigan...) but trust me... with his dreamily bleached blonde hair and the way people swoon when he walks into a room, that guy is bigger than the Beatles.

Jake - Centennial, CO
Voted For: Jessica Simpson
Reason: I believe the phrase "forgive them for they know not what they do" applies directly to her.
THO's Response: Jake, you're an inspiration! We don't usually pick a survey response winner, but you win.

Travis - Bonita Springs, FL
Voted For: George W. Bush
Reason: How many Arabs do you have to rub out to get in?

Steve K. - Gastonia, NC
Voted For: Gary Busey
Reason: Because he played Buddy Holley in that movie, which was real good. And he's been in other movies since that time, like Christian movies that encourage other Christians and stuff. And, despite the confusion, that drunken police photo which is in everybody's head is Nick Nolte (not Gary Busey). Got it?!

K.T. - Porterville
Voted For: Beyonce
Reason: God saw her and said that it was Good.

Hans Überbangen - Varysburg
Voted For: Jesus
Reason: I mean really, besides Oasis, who is more famous than Jesus? Jesus did all that stuff years and years ago to help us out, I mean we owe the world to him. He should totally be in heaven.

Stuart Richards - Bellevue, NE
Voted For: Rick Warren
Reason: God will forgive Rick for his blight upon the face of the NY Times bestseller list, because that way He can figure out how to run a purpose-driven afterlife.

Landon Ditto - Memphis, TN
Voted For: Mandy Moore
Reason: She played a Christian part in "A Walk to Remember" and I think I can remember her reading "The Prayer of Jabez" during a behind the scenes sneak peak.
THO's Response: Even if you're wrong about the Jabez thing, Mandy is probably in anyway due to K.T.'s reasoning (above).

Mickey C. - Louisville, KY
Voted For: Kirk Cameron
Reason: Certainly HE won't be "left behind"!
THO's Response: Very clever, Mickey. That's probably funny.

Jonathan - Stanford, CA
Voted For: Jesus
Reason: Was Jesus a celebrity? I'd say Jesus. But if you mean someone from our time, I'd say Gandalf. He is a good man/wizard.

Brian - Vestal, NY
Voted For: Jimmy Swaggart
Reason: What better for us to follow?
THO's Response: Ah, good ol' Vestal... Do you mean "who?"

Christian - LaGrange, KY
Voted For: Brittney Spears
Reason: Oh, wait, you're looking for celebs that will "actually" make it in to heaven. I thought you wanted celebs that were "from" heaven. In that case, change my response to Mr. T. Man, I pity the fool who doesn't think he's going to heaven.

Jim - New York, NY
Voted For: M.C. Hammer
Reason: This guy is one devout Christian. Going from stardom to, well, nothing, his bankruptcy has, praise the Lord, brought him closer to our Maker. Irregardless, he started a Gospel Choir that sings all or favorite tunes proclaiming Jesus! Maybe he'll give me a pair of his pants. I mean, we're both Christians so I figure he'll just give them to me for free, right?
THO's Response: Jim, you see, when we get to Heaven we'll all have M.C. Hammer pants.

Jesse Kaluka - Manassas, VA
Voted For: Jessica Simpson (said in extreme sarcasm)
Reason: Duh, because she prays before every show!
THO's Response: We never know what to do with these disclaimer messages. Maybe you should include within your parenthetical statement instructions as to what we should do with the disclaimer information.

Rick - Marengo, OH
Voted For: Bob Dylan
Reason: He may be on a "Slow Train Coming" but he was definitely "Saved". Since he's "Gotta Serve Somebody", he may very well be a "Precious Angel" because "When He Returns", Bob expects the Lord to "Do Right By Me, Baby". So "When You Gonna Wake Up?" and accept the inevitable. As for me, "I Believe In You", Bob, unless you do something that's "Gonna Change My Way of Thinking." He is such a "Prodigal Son" he's got to be most likely. Oh, wait! That was a Keith Green song. Never mind that last one.

Jay Mendenhall - Ft. Worth, TX
Voted For: The Whole Band Creed
Reason: Because once I heard my friend say that they said "God" in one of their songs.

Nikky - Not Hollywood, CA
Voted For: Christian Slater
Reason: Christian Celebrity? Huh... Romans 12:2 and all - I didn't know there was such a thing. Seems like it ought to be an oxymoron. (But then they are all morons in Hollywood, eh?) I certainly can't think of anyone talented in Hollywood that behaves like they would go to church. Oohhhhhhhhhh! Now I get it, "Christian" celebrity! Like Christian Slater! I luuuv "Pump Up the Volume" and "Cuffs" - I pick him.

Ben Walker - Cincinnati, OH
Voted For: Grimace
Reason: While many may not be aware of it, Grimace of McDonald's fame is a staunch believer. Of course the McDonald's corporation makes it difficult to be outspoken, and has made serious efforts to keep Grimace away from the media, as he has a habit of breaking into his testimony often even spiking a microphone, falling on his knees and pointing to the heavens (something that has cost McDonalds some serious lawsuits in the past). To be fair, the tale of his conversion really is an encouraging story that any believer can relate to. Growing up a confused amorphous purple glob, followed by the high life of happy-meal fame, engaging in every vice that fast-food has been affiliated with, and then leaving a life of debauchery after having seen the mighty fall of his friend "The Hamburgler." While he and the happy meal crew have largely been benched for various personality flaws (deemed "unfriendly" to the pluralistic audience of American consumers), I understand that he is still active as a McDonalds corporate executive. Word around the rumor mill is that the recent advertisement campaign "I'm lovin' it..." Actually started out as "I'm lovin' itinerate evangelism" but was reduced to something a bit more consumer friendly.

Whiz Detty - Chillicothe, OH
Voted For: Keanu Reeves
Reason: Why Else??? He's "THE ONE"!
THO's Response: Oh man! That's almost as clever as Mickey's vote (above).

Zach Randall - Aurora, IN
Voted For: Pope John Paul II
Reason: He's to old to sin anymore — a true shoein for eternal glory.

The Bloody Rose - Milpitas, CA
Voted For: Marilyn Manson & Trent Reznor
Reason: Dude is just one good prayer away from salvation. He knows the Bible inside and out. He draws comparisons to himself and Jesus--its just the machine of churchianity that has bittered him. Manson will be in heaven and so will Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails. there is more honesty and emotion in their music than any xian celebrity I know--and I use to work in the Christian music industry (money changers in the temple) where a blessing from your brother or sister in Christ only cost you 18.99 courtesy of Diamanti, Sparrow, Cordant, and Forefront Records. If you want to find yourself a Christ like super star--turn off the t.v. and look inward. If you are not completely callous you may find bits and pieces of Christ in yourself.
THO's Response: Hmmm... We are going to skip a few lines here so you can reflect on The Bloody Rose's comments until you get to the next response.

Stu - Sisters, OR
Voted For: Jan Crouch
Reason: I feel that God is overwhelmingly gracious and merciful, and just to prove it He is going to let Jan have a special place in Heaven that will look just as awful as the TBN set. Of course, she'll not be satisfied with her new glorified body so she'll revert back to the terrible birds nest hair-do, Little Bo Peep dress, the makeup applied with a trowel, and the occasional boob job. We'll all stop over occasionally at her heavenly mansion just to marvel at God's grace and of course to contribute to her eternally ongoing television ministry (what else is she going to do)? Of course the eternal rewards could have been a bit greater for her if so many people wouldn't have stumbled onto her show and been turned off to the Gospel message. Her husband, oh yeah, Paul, won't be seen much. Jan will keep him busy picking up his room.

John - LA, CA
Voted For: The Artist Formerly Known as M.C. Hammer
Reason: Hey, Satan - you can't touch this!
THO's Response: John, do you hang out with Mickey and Whiz?

Michael Gardner - Fremont CA
Voted For: Larry Flint
Reason: I mean I only saw the first half of his movie before my mom came home, but it was really inspiring how he made his pornography Christian-friendly.
THO's Response: Whoa! You are severely mistaken, Michael! We saw the second half.

Skeet - Wenatchee, WA
Voted For: Mel Gibson
Reason: Due to his massive profits from his "Passion" movie he can buy a lot of Catholic indulgences.

Allan Delee - Springfield, KY
Voted For: Johnny Cash
Reason: He's actually probably there already, pissin' off all the Baptists.

Deborah Gunther - Portland, ME
Voted For: Wayne Brady
Reason: He's way hot, and he never makes sexually explicit jokes like those other guys on "Whose Line." What a great witness!

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