is Pam's Homeboy
HOLLYWOOD HILLS, CA – Pamela Anderson has a new homeboy, and it's
none other than Jesus Christ himself. In a move that has heads turning
from the Bible Belt to Rodeo Drive, the model-turned-actress has announced
that she and Jesus have forged a groundbreaking new relationship. Under
the terms of the relationship, the Lord will act as Ms. Anderson's
"homeboy"—an urban slang term used to signify a close
friend—and she will occasionally sport a tee shirt indicating the
"All these Christians are always saying you need to have a personal
relationship with the Lord," said Ms. Anderson at a press conference
announcing the relationship. "Well, I do: he's my homeboy!
I'm not ashamed to tell the world that even though I think Christians
are intolerant and boring, I still think Jesus is somewhat cool. In a
trendy sort of way."
Ms. Anderson's announcement even has an evangelistic flare. Already,
other stars have begun negotiations with Christ to establish their own
homeboy relationships with him. It seems even A-listers such as Ashton
Kutcher and Madonna are converts to what is fast becoming a quasi-religion
Jesus himself remains subdued in his reaction to the new-found attention
from the stars. "I'm more than happy to be Pamela's
homeboy, if that's what she wants," the Lord said when we
reached him by phone. "Of course, I'd really prefer a relationship
that is more…spiritual, but I guess I can't force her to accept
me as her savior." Under the terms of the agreement, Jesus is not
required to wear any clothing that refers to Ms. Anderson. However, he
did insist on an option enabling her to upgrade her relationship to include
full atonement for her sin should she choose to pursue such an avenue.
The announcement sent theologians into a flurry of activity. Bernard
Fassel, professor of theology at Oxford University and an occasional Baywatch
viewer, had this to say: "Jesus was a friend to sinners, so it's
not outside the realm of possibility that he would befriend Ms. Anderson.
I just find it more likely that he would be defending her from an angry
mob of Pharisees trying to stone her to death than accompanying her on
her shopping trips in Beverly Hills."