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VOLUME 2 • ISSUE 3   |   Release date: July 15, 2004

In This Issue
U.S. Constitution to be Canonized!
Apple CEO Offends
Church Dumps Free Will Offerings
Increased Home Sunday Schooling
Gibson Near Top of Name-Dropping List
Survey Results
July Church Sign of the Month

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U.S. Constitution to be Canonized!
Council at Colorado Springs Receives "Re-Authorized Text"
U.S. Constitution Canonized!

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO – Come January 2005, congregations across the world will be asked do the unimaginable—open their Bibles to the book of First Americans. The New Testament has been tinkered with for the first time in nearly 1,700 years by the Council at Colorado Springs—a hodgepodge of evangelical leaders from across the nation who have added the United States Constitution to the canon of Scripture.

"We had to do it," said Councilman and Christian Coalition founder Pat Robertson. "For those with ears to hear, this has been a move of the Spirit for some time now. Fortunately for God, His remnant here in America heard His call to do what should've been done a long time ago - add a 67th book to the Bible, the Constitution! If the liberals can have their neutered NIV, then the true church can and will have her PKJV - Patriot's King James Bible. Take that, liberals!"

Franklin Graham, Councilman and heir to the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association fortune elaborated, "In a nutshell, America is God's favorite nation—the most blessed nation on Earth, because we obeyed His call to cheat the Natives, enslave the Africans, and give the boot to the Mexicans. Some people call America the breadbasket of the world. I call her the 'blessing-basket.' You know what they say, 'Blessed are the people whose God is the Lord!' If Israel wasn't so busy making and breaking pacts with people, and just got on with some good ol' fashioned Manifest Destiny, she'd be blessed too. Well, we manifested our destiny, brother, and God blessed us with a Constitution to prove it! Ever heard the phrase 'God's country?' Look up Christianity in your Funk & Wagnall's, and you'll see the American flag — inside an Ichthus fish."

According to spokesperson Gail Goforth, the qualifications for membership into the Council are very strict. "You need to have a clear anointing from God on your life. In practical terms, that means you pastor a big church, are heard nationally on the radio, or have been seen on the Fox News Channel. So naturally, or shall we say 'supernaturally,' glory to God, we had all the all stars; Bauer, Colson, Dobson, Bill Bennett, Warren and Hybels, and that preacher from Lakewood, Texas who is always on TBN, among others. It really was an 'Upper Room' experience."

The seven-day conference held in June was filled with prayer and fasting, a fact not lost on Councilman and Empower America Co-Director Bill Bennett, who said, "Those guys wanted to pray and fast. Praying is cool. But do I look like the fasting type?" By the seventh day of seeking the Lord, the Council came to a consensus as to which parts of the constitution would be canonized. "We knew going in there would be some tweaking," said Gary Bauer, councilman and Family Research Council guy. "In the end, we dropped the 13th, 15th, 19th and 21st Amendments. So basically, it's back to Jim Crow, no more micro brews, and soccer moms won't be a factor in any more elections. They're just a bunch of helpmates anyway. Oh, and after praying about it, we went ahead and threw in the 28th Amendment to ban gay marriage. I guess technically it would be the 24th Amendment. Heh heh." Bauer also noted that 1st Americans will be placed between Revelation 3:13 and 3:14 for "eschatological accuracy." Said Bauer, "It creates a 1st and 2nd Revelation, which means there are now 68 books of the Bible! Robertson is still confused about it."

Council members readily admit that some in the Christian community will be put off by the Constitution's inclusion in God's Word. "But the way I see it, at least the Constitution mentions religion, whereas the Book of Esther doesn't even mention God once," said Councilman and prison warden Chuck Colson. "If it were a softball game, the score would be Constitution 1, Esther 0."

Published by Thomas Nelson Publishers, the PKJV will be released just in time for Christmas. PKJV sales rep Maggie Mauney said the Bible will come in an assortment of colors, with a choice of genuine or bonded leather, and will feature tabs, maps of Palestine and the 13 colonies, and red, white and blue ribbons - everything a Christian needs in a good Bible. "The study version will feature notes by R.C. Sproul, David Jeremiah, Ann Coulter and Michael Savage."

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