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VOLUME 3 • ISSUE 1   |   Release date: September 15th, 2007

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What might be the first thing Paul would say if he were placed in present day America?

Survey results

Below are some of the comments submitted by readers who took our last survey.

Charles Isaac - Mountain Lake, MN

"Oi Vey!"

Michael - Fremont, CA

I am not sure what he would say but I am sure that it would be the Word of God. That guy couldn't open his mouth or write a pen pal without it becoming the Word of God.

We're sorry, but if you mean what he'd say would become the official Word of God, they've closed that one to additions (regardless of what the Mormons say). As for this supposed pen pal, he or she is likely dead now.

Eric - Lindenwold, NJ

"Open your scrolls of my letters to the church at Corinth..."

Why do you suppose Paul would think we would have some letters he wrote to Corinth nearly 2000 years ago?

Phil Wilson - Nashville, TN

"Holy Crap! Why are women teaching men?"

Bill - Lebanon, PA

"It would seem that no one actually read any of my company memos..."

Why would Paul say "it would seem" when what he would probably mean is "it seems"?

Brad English - Houston, TX

"Paul, called to be an apostle by Jesus Christ, would like the Number 3 combo meal -- supersized."

Don't even get us started on "supersized!" We hope Paul doesn't mind if only his drink is supersized. Remember when we could get, in a single portion, the amount of ridiculously unhealthy fries we actually wanted with our Diet Coke?!

Ron Wood - Forest Falls, CA

"It is a good thing you are all saved by grace, because you have less power than a 1977 Vega with an automatic transmission."

What's its mileage?

Brian - Edinburgh, Scotland

"You're arresting me just because I'm from the Middle East, right?"

And they'd say, "We're not arresting you. We're just going to hold you for some questioning at our offshore facility."



To Sara from Kiezer, we say, "Please press Caps Lock or remember to hold down the Shift key as you type. Oh yeah, and then type a good answer."

Rene - Apple Valley, CA

"McRib is Back! I'm lovin' it!"

Daniel Josph Xhan - Mississauga, Ontario, Canada

I think Paul would say "Whoa, what was that?" because he'd obviously have been brought from the past with flashy-yet-cheesy Hollywood effects. After that, he'd get his thorn in the flesh cured and start a megachurch, producing a semi-intelligent book about having purpose or being driven by it or something, trademark the idea, and then cash in on the product tie-ins. He would of course use all this newfound cash to do "the Lord's work", by which he'd secretly mean "build a freaking huge ranch." Either that, or he'd toil in relative obscurity because he's not pretty enough.

You do realize that, while they have had an immeasurable impact on society, Hollywood effects aren't actually capable of bringing someone here from the past, right? If they were capable of that we wouldn't call them "effects," we'd call them "time machine." But we'll still accept your answer of "Whoa, what was that?" because one's initial sighting of a mullet, among other things, could elicit the same response.

Gauldino - Dallas, TX

"Wha Happened?" in a Ricky Ricardo-esque accent, at least the best a Pharisee of Pharisees could muster.

Drew Johnson - St. Paul, MN

"Fat lotta good being a Roman citizen is going to do for me here..."

We may start using the phrase, "Fat lotta good."

Ben Walker - Cincinnati, OH

"Ha ha, pants look ridiculous."

William - Jersey City, NJ

"But... But... The world was supposed to have ended before my generation died! Mark 13:30 says so!"

Like he would have any idea what Mark 13:30 says!

Garrett A. Freier - Ellendale ND

"So, Im guessing you've heard the knock-knock joke about Jesus..." (see the December 2004 survey)

Nate B. - Portland, OR

"Hi, my name is Paul."


"These women don't wear head coverings! sh$%!"

P. Morrow - Northern Ireland

Any or all of the following (1) "I have seen a star in the east and have come to worship Hinn." (2) "Any chance of a slot on This is Your Day?" (see above) (3) "Gee! This is Awesome!" (When in Rome and all that.) (see above again) Alternatively he might not say anything and catch the first plane to Canada instead. (That's where the revival is, isn't it?)

Eric - Parsippany, NJ

(Looking up) "If I can find 50 righteous people will you spare it?"

We don't know... do you really think he'd rip off Abraham's line like that?

Greg - Abilene, TX

"So...I'm guessing you didn't get my letters, right?!?"

Greg, he didn't write the letters to us. Did you get the letter I sent to my mom last week?

Chris - Chicago, IL

"If only they knew.....If only they knew."

What?!?! If only we knew WHAT!!! Why you gotta leave us hanging?

Ryan - Taejon, Korea

"Dang, these Krispy Kremes sure are addictive."

Brian Benecke - Chicago, IL

"You kids these days, why, I remember back when I was in Corinth. Ah Corinth, they new how to respect a person, not like you kids with your crazy rap music. Why just the other day..."

Kelly - Pville

"Boy you guys have really f****ed the whole church thing up, haven't you?"

But then, undoubtedly, someone would say, "You started it!"

Jonathan Lipps - Palo Alto, CA

"You call this communion wine? No wonder y'all aren't filled with the Spirit!" Of course, Paul might not use "y'all", since he is not from the South. But being Greek to the Greeks, Jewish to the Jews, and so on, I imagine he could even be Texan to the Texans, and would therefore contextualize his critique by using the appropriate colloquializations. This point, furthermore, assumes that Paul speaks English. If not, we could have the various translation committees duke it out over who gets to interpret Paul's utterances (TNIV, NIV, NKJV, ESV, NAS, etc.)

We are assuming Paul would be speaking in tongues -- the English tongue. And if there is anyone else around, it may be the first time in a while there has been an interpreter present for such an occasion.

Mark Arrow - Vestal, NY

"Wow a two man tent that only weighs 3 pounds!!!!"

K. W. Leslie - Scotts Valley, CA

"You kept THAT letter?"

Yeah, WHATEVA, Paul!

Melanie - Brisbane, Qld., Australia

"Oh no, I meant to land in Australia -- God's Own Country!!"

Melanie, we only posted your response because of the three people from Australia who responded, yours was the longest. That said, we're not sure what you're talking about?! You may want to think about finding a new Australian to English translator.

John Jacob - Gaithersburg, MD

"Tu madre es muy buena en la cama."

Um...John? Not sure what your suggestion says, because we don't speak Italian. But we're pretty sure Paul didn't speak Italian, either, so it probably doesn't matter.

Taylor - Michigan

"I meant pagan fertility cults when I wrote that letter to the Romans, not those nice, well-dressed, 30-45 year old men at the Episcopal Church!"

Kerri B. - Concord, MA

"Holy crap, let's go eat at Jack in the Box!"

Don't you mean "E. Coli" in the Box? Kerri, Paul was a pretty smart guy. There's no doubt he would have eaten at In-N-Out Burger.

John Moser - Nebraska

His words would largely depend on what place in America he was and who he was talking to. If he was speaking to the typical Sunday morning audience, he would challenge them to break out of cultural comforts and reach out to the lost and hurting of the world. If he was speaking to an unchurched person who didn't believe in Christ, Paul would bring them the undiluted gospel, showered with the love of Christ.

John, it's just a question. A joke question.

Pastor Astor - Sweden

"Aramaic? Anyone speakin Aramaic? Hello? Help, please? Anyone?"

Cherylen-Lee Goodheart - Perpendicularville, TX

"Whats with all these fat heathens?!"

PJ - Evergreen Terrace, Springfield

"Man, these buildings have air conditioning? Even Eutychus could stay awake during my sermons now!"

Walt Henson - Abilene, TX

"Wow. I might have to start persecuting Christians again."

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