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Michael Vick Trades Signing Bonus for Treasures in Heaven

After long search, football star finds Jesus “hangin’ out” in courthouse restroom

RICHMOND, VA – They say all dogs go to heaven. Well, after punching more than his share of canine tickets to paradise, Michael Vick seems to have finally found a little salvation for himself.

After pleading guilty to federal dogfighting charges last month, the world heard Michael Vick proclaim his newfound faith in Christ.

“I found Jesus,” Vick told reporters outside the courthouse. “And turned my life over to God.”

What most people don’t know is that Vick had actually been looking for Jesus for a number of years, albeit in some rather unconventional places. That search ended when Vick made a trip to the federal courthouse little boys room after entering his guilty plea.

“Whoo, it was one tough road, but when I walked into that restroom and saw Jesus hangin’ out in there, I knew it was all worth it. I was all like, ‘Jesus, where you been at, dog?’ and he kind of gave me a funny look. I realized what I'd just said, and we both laughed. It was one of those moments you never forget,” Vick told The Holy Observer in an exclusive interview. “I know that lots a folks will look at the tens of millions of dollars I’m almost certainly gonna lose over the next few years and think I’ve really screwed things up, but, man, if they could only see the bling gonna be all up in my crown some day. Damn! Now that’s my kind of signing bonus!”

Vick’s search for Jesus wasn’t exactly your run-of-the-mill Saturday night at camp run to the altar. Instead, it included an illustrious college and pro-football career and a stint as the head of an elaborate dogfighting ring that led to his fall from grace and eventually landed him in court.

“It has most definitely been a long search, man,” Vick said. “I can’t deny that there been some times lately where I thought Jesus coulda showed up a little sooner, but, you know, mysterious ways an all a that.”

While they may be glad to see him finally find what he was looking for, many in Vick’s life seem a bit puzzled by where his search for Jesus took him.

“We’re all pretty happy that Michael finally found Jesus,” said Pastor Harold Bradford of Atlanta’s Greater Church of faith, where Vick reportedly attended occasionally during his time with the Falcons. “We’re not entirely sure why he spent so much time looking for him in the puppy torture pit, but, hey, we all have to find our own path I suppose.”

Other observers are a little more overtly skeptical.

“Well, I’ll be honest. It seems clear to me that there had to be times when he wasn’t really giving this lifelong search for Jesus his all,” said Atlanta Christian radio host Neil Macken. “Think about it. I bet you can think of at least a dozen people right now, famous or not, who have found Jesus at or around the time of a court appearance. He might as well have his own office at the courthouse. So, you might think that Vick would have thought to look there before now. I mean, it’s not like he doesn’t know anyone who goes to court a lot; he’s played in the NFL for the past seven years.”

Vick doesn’t deny that he probably should have thought to look in court before now, but he maintains that his search for Jesus was always on his mind.

“Looking back, it seems like I might have gone there looking for him a little sooner, but, hey, hindsight’s 20/20,” Vick said. “Although, it is a little vexing to think about how I could have probably just poked around a little bit while I was there for one of my brother's court dates and maybe could have avoided all this dogfighting stuff, which I now, of course, reject. But, hey, God’s plans, not mines, nome sayin’?”

Falcons teammate Warrick Dunn says he saw Vick looking for Jesus just about everywhere he went.

"I can tell yall a ton of places where he was looking and didn't find Jesus," Dunn said. "In da club, in... those other clubs, at the casino, and at KFC."

As far as his uncertain future in the NFL and the potential prison time he’s facing when he’s sentenced on December 10th, Vick says he’s no longer worried.

“Man, I’m set,” Vick said. “Let's just say, the backa my Jersey ain’t the only place my name’s written down.”

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