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VOLUME 3 • ISSUE 2   |   Release date: October 15th, 2007

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Which Democratic presidential primary candidate would Jesus vote for and why?

Survey results

Below are some of the comments submitted by readers who took our last survey.

Chad M. - McDonough, GA
Chuck Norris
Because Jesus doesn't want to get a roundhouse kick to the face.
Yeah, and I hear Chuck's tears can cure cancer. I bet Jesus would be into that kind of thing.
Ben - Spencerport, NY
Dennis Kucinich
Jesus is always looking out for the little guy, right? I mean, look at Zaccheus!
P. Morrow - Northern Ireland no idea!
Hi guys, this is the world wide web... with the emphasis being on the WORLD bit, and the last time I looked the world was bigger than America; unless of course I'm living in some mythical, mystical, land of fairies and goblins and... oh yes, that's right, this is Ireland. Any chance of a broader survey next time?
Nice Ireland joke, there, P. Here's a good Irish survey question for ya: Which murderous Christians will Jesus cast into the Lake of Fire first: the northern Protestants, or the southern Catholics? Or maybe: which potato farmer would Jesus drink himself to death with? We apologize for an confusion. We thought that we had posted this to the America Wide Web. To be completely honest, we weren't aware of any other. We will have our staff start doing its research in order to cater to regionally autonomous fractions of European islands ruled by former empires with populations comparable to West Virginia and land areas on par with Hawaii.
mattmc - Abilene, TX
Barack Obama
He is not a Washington insider.
Are you serious?
Billy - Wilmington, NC
John Edwards
It's the hair.
John - Nebraska
Jesus isn't American and thus, wouldn't be allowed to vote.
John – Very clever! But not really. There is a reason we asked which candidate “would” Jesus vote for and not which “will” he vote for.
Nathan Smith - Portland, OR
Bill Richardson
Jesus hates gun control.
Anonymous - Chicago, IL
Hilary Clinton
Because Jesus is tired of our lip service to God and wants to plunge us into hell.
Debbie - Clearfield, PA
Hillary would definately qualify for having less that adequate qualification for a president and God has a record of choosing nobodies to do a big job. Also, having Hillary in the white house would draw more people to rely on Him for peace, protection, and general well-being.
Owen Tew - Birmingham, AL
Dennis Kucinich
Could collect royalties on campaign theme: There was nothing beautiful or majestic about his appearance, nothing to attract us to him. He was despised and rejected ... We turned our backs on him and looked the other way when he went by. He was despised, and we did not care.
Bill - Clearfield, PA
Barak Obama
cause oprah told him to!
Harold N. Orndorff, Jr. - Highland Heights
Hillary Clinton
Jesus has already revealed to John, who recorded it in Revelation, that the Great Whore of Babylon was coming. Now that she is here, why wouldn't Jesus just make prophecy ''even more sure'' by casting His divine vote for Hillary? Why not, indeed!
Doug - Ankeny, IA
None of them
He doesn't know any of them. Weird, huh?
Thom - Edenton, NC
He'd know the winner already. He wouldn't have voted for _________, so He wouldnt waste a trip to the poll.
Dan - Post Falls, ID
Barack Obama
He would rather see us live morally under sharia law than immorally as a ''Christian'' nation. (this was meant to be funny but now I'm kinda bummed out)
It’s OK, Dan. Don't be bummed. There was probably a time once when we were trying to be funny and failed miserably, too.
Jonathan Benedict - Columbus, OH
In order to vote in the Democratic primaries Jesus would have to be a Democrat. Everybody knows Jesus is a Republican! Come on!
Stef Schrader - Waco, TX
Fluffy Bunny, Eater of Souls
Nothing says ''democracy'' like a rabbit who eats the souls of its opposition. She hasn't announced yet, but she'd be a surefire winner for either party!
Sorry, that game was banned from churches everywhere after a few people choked from impacted marshmallow in the throat. It was real fun, though! We were like, “Chubby Bunny, then Chuddy Hunny, then Uhhee Uhnny.” Oh, wait, that’s Chubby Bunny. What are you talking about!?
Kevin - Richmond, KY
The poor is his passion, but still lives in a mansion. Kinda like a WWJD/HWJL (how would Jesus live) combo.
pdxWoman - Portland, OR
Jesus would be thrilled that one of his own race finally got on the ticket...
James Hart Brumm - DeFreestville, NY
Jesus, being from the Middle East, wouldn't be able to vote. He would be detained in a ''guest accomodation'' at Guantanamo, next to Paul (see the previous poll).
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