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God to Professional Athletes: Stop Pointing at Me

New declaration from The Almighty makes gesturing to Him on field a sin

Category: Heaven, Sports

HEAVEN – In a press release issued earlier this month, God declared that professional athletes in any sport who point or gesture in any way in His direction while on the field of play will be subject to the normal penalties for committing a sin.

The policy seems to have been in the works for some time, as the release cites recent audits conducted by heavenly officials of post touchdown and homerun related adulation, which found relatively low levels of sincerity among professional baseball and football players in particular.

James Worthington, president of the Religious Studies Institute – a Chicago-based inter-faith think tank, is convinced that the timing of this new policy being released during the height of the NFL season is no coincidence.

“This is the time of year when you really see the celebrations ramping up, football players pointing with one or both hands and looking heavenward,” Worthington said. “We’ve seen the NFL crack down on celebrations significantly over the years, disallowing props and things like that. I see this as God’s way of saying that he’s not about to put up with being anybody’s prop either.”

The press release itself was relatively short – a mere 777 characters outlining the basics of the new policy, but a heavenly official speaking on the condition of anonymity told The Holy Observer that there were a couple of key factors in addition to the alleged lack of sincerity that prompted The Almighty to make the declaration.

“First of all, I think we can all agree that pointing is rude,” the official said. “Secondly, it’s more or less an open secret up here that God outsourced His sovereignty over sporting events at all levels to a startup firm in Mumbai about five years ago, so I really think he was starting to feel a little funny about taking credit for everything.”

It’s unclear at this point how the new policy will affect on field celebrations, as many well established sin-related policies seem to have had little to no bearing on the behavior of professional athletes historically. However, Worthington expects the new policy to at least have a temporary chilling effect.

“When you have God singling out your behavior directly like this, it tends to get your attention,” he said. “This isn’t like some dusty commandment telling you not to covet your neighbor’s Escalade. This is a fresh fax from cloud nine telling you to knock it off. I expect people to listen – at least until the playoffs.”

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  1. This particular behavior, along with head shaking (I denied you on that one) is widespread in pro and college football. But doing it feels good and it will continue, God be damned.

  2. This behavior, along with shaking the head (which I denied one) is widespread in professional football and college. But it is what it feels well and will continue, God be damned.

  3. What if I were actually trying to point at a beloved dead relative? It would seem a little awkward, after scoring my touchdown, if I had to point at the sky and say, “No, not you, God. This is for Uncle Bob, who I am optimistically assuming made it up there.”

  4. I’m don’t see that in NASCAR…it’s the fist pump…for all the fisters out there who enjoy being jacked up by four guys.

  5. I absolutely cannot stand when a particular Major League baseball player and it id Pedro Alvarez of the Pittsburgh Pirates does the sign of the cross when he steps into the batter’s box each inning he comes to bat, when he gets a single, double, triple, home run and even when he receives a walk. RIDICULOUS.!!

  6. “a heavenly official speaking on the condition of anonymity”. How the heck you supposed to remain anonymous when your boss is God? ROFL!

  7. […] post was originally published by The Holy Observer here. They are gracious enough to allow us to re-post it on The Talking […]

  8. I guess it’s become a culture of sports on it’s own. Just as tennis players do fists pumps in the air after a victory win, footballers decide to point to GOD; and whether it’s a sin or not, cannot be proven, so let’s just enjoy the game.

  9. hallelujah.

  10. That religious crap should have all been left in parochial grade school. It has no place in professional sports. I suggest a flag be thrown in the NFL, lets call it “For displaying stupidity”. I don’t know what you’d do in baseball. Eject him from the game seems appropriate.

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