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Millions More Damned For Harry Potter-Related Sins

Category: Entertainment
Harry Potter

In an unprecedented move, God has damned more than six million children and young adults for Harry Potter-related sins, heaven officials say. The record damning comes on the heels of the release of J.K. Rowling’s latest novel, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, published domestically by Scholastic Press. The series details the adventures of a young British boy sent to Howgwarts boarding school, a training ground for young magical children.

Fans of the series spoke out against the decision, organizing protests in dozens of major cities worldwide with more than ten million participants marching and chanting in favor of the damned children.

The mass condemnation required a great deal of legal maneuvering on God’s part, since many of the children had not yet reached the “age of accountability.” A Heavenly source, speaking on condition of anonymity, confirmed that God had decided to lift the longstanding moratorium on the condemnation of young children after hearing one too many prayers for the speedy release of the sixth Harry Potter novel, which has no planned publication date. Another source close to the Almighty attributed the action to God’s growing frustration with children who were more interested in reading Harry Potter than the Bible.

While many children were pre-damned for merely reading the novel, others showed signs of participating in actual witchcraft. Jimmy Davis, one of the damned, shocked his Sunday School teacher by trying to repair a broken flannelgraph board with a spell from the Potter series. “I was trying to help Mrs. MacDonald teach the lesson. Jesus kept falling onto the floor, so I pointed at him and said ‘Repairo!’ like [Potter character] Hermione does to her glasses. That made Mrs. MacDonald really mad. She kept yelling at me about being a cult and telling me I was a ‘pay again.’ I didn’t understand what she meant. That made her even angrier!”

Jimmy Davis’s case is not unique. Our Heavenly source confirms that more than half of the damned children had expressed interest in witchcraft in its various forms, an interest that manifests itself in varying degrees, from purchasing junior magician kits to an increased interest in playing cards and other “occultist forms.” Still, more than two million children have been damned for simply reading the latest novel.

The move was met with approval by many church leaders, who have been predicting just such a response for several years. Minister Brad Lambert of First Bible Baptist church, Tallahassee, FL, was one such leader. “Frankly, I think God waited too long on this one. I’m all for mercy, but you have to balance mercy with justice, and Harry Porter [sic] is the epitome of giving the Evil One a foothold. These awful books have been leading children into sin for too long. Maybe now they’ll see that they’re in danger of being cast into the Lake of Fire with the Dark Lord!”

An official announcement from God Himself is expected later this week.

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  1. The article doesn’t specify *which* god. Yahweh?

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