MUSKEGON, MI – In the days leading up to July 6th, the U.S. government and private technology experts issued warnings that hackers involved in a loosely organized contest planned to attack thousands of computers across the country. Although the contest is over and the severity of the damage is unknown, it is certain that at least the owners and users of BibleGateway.com have fallen victim to one hacker’s malicious and deceptive onslaught. The attack involved breaking into BibleGateway.com’s computers and switching the online versions of the King James Bible and the Amplified Bible. The results of this assault echoed through sanctuaries and chapels all across the nation.

From Sunday at 1:28 AM till Tuesday at 7:39 PM anyone at BibleGateway.com who looked up passages in the King James Version of the Bible was actually presented with passages from the Amplified Bible (and vice versa). It wasn’t until BibleGateway.com’s feedback center was bombarded with thousands of complaints that they looked into and resolved the issue. Compliments were also submitted.

Barbara Hamburg, one of the site’s support specialists recalls, “At first we were confused. I mean, the complaints were very confusing, like, ‘Your KJV sucks!’ and ‘What foul-mouthed blasphemer wrote your Bibles?’ So for a couple of days we just responded with our standard ‘Just trust in the Lord and pray—everything will work out for good!’ That usually does the trick.”

Rainford explains, “I was up very late on little sleep Friday night gathering God’s word for my sermon slides. I must’ve been too tired to notice the devil’s foothold pulling me down into the demonic realm of blasphemy. The screen said it was the KJV, but evil can creep in very subtly!”

Some of Rainford’s cohorts, while horrified by the mix-up, are surprised that he of all people could let this slip by. Pastor Dale Embrook, another speaker at the conference, explains, “Good mercy, there was nothing subtle about the toxin that was spewing from his mouth! How Satan was able to deceive him on such a simple verse, I do not know.”

The verse in question is John 11:35—the shortest verse in the Bible. Instead of reading “Jesus wept,” as found in the KJV, Rainford quoted the Amplified Bible and read, “Jesus, the certain god-man whose blessed flesh was pierced by the sword as he, the redeemer of all iniquity, stood troubled in the shadow of one man’s recent death as the power-indwelling Spirit set weight on his holy tear ducts, wept.”

Billy Zeoli, president and CEO of BibleGateway.com’s parent company Gospel Communications International, responded to the hacker’s attack, “We are truly saddened by this malicious act. Also, as unfortunate and disturbing as this attack is, it is clearly stated in our disclaimer that the accuracy of our online content cannot be guaranteed and Gospel Communications International is not in any way liable for the negative ramifications that may result from the use of its content. Again, our hearts are with each and every victim of this crime.” His compassion runs deeper still, as he later vowed to “pay more attention” to the integrity of gospelcom.net’s content.

As the AFBA and every other victim of this ruthless attack begins to heal, we are reminded that evil has no boundaries in its quest to corrupt what is good and deceive oblivious Internet users.

BASRA, Iraq — Call it fowl play.

Open Doors, the legendary missions network led by Brother Andrew, recently smuggled one Bible into the Middle East. The big deal? Not in traditional format—print, cassette tape or MP3—Andrew’s crew floated all 31,103 verses of the Bible down the Euphrates River, via rubber duckies.

Visioneered in late 2006, the Rubber Ducky Bible took flight during Ramadan, when Muslims fasted and devoted themselves to prayer, and thus weren’t expecting a shock and awe campaign of bath toys.

“You got your KJV and your NIV,” Andrew said from his Webcam somewhere in the Iraqi desert. “But them Iraqis got themselves an RDV. And if we do it again, it’ll be an NRDV.”

Andrew readily admits that the toughest part was literally squeaking past the TSA when, a la the hashish smugglers in Midnight Express, his team taped the ducks to their bodies.

“Yeah, customs was rough, but in the end, you’re dealing with government workers. They pat you down, and, you know, especially around the unmentionables. If you start squeaking down there, you just cough or sneeze and look around. They don’t notice a thing. I could hear Brother Zack getting his Habbakkuk squeezed a bunch of times, but he still got through. Squeeze. Squeak. Sneeze. That’s how we roll.”

Shiite Cleric Skandar Akbar was incensed at the outreach, citing passages from the Koran at a news conference in Basra: “In the name of Allah and his prophet Mohammed (peace be upon me), I issue Edict 17: The Rubber Ducky Fatwa.”

A jihad was declared against the Rubber Ducky Bible.

“Fatwa? What in Sam Hill is a Fatwa?” Brother Andrew asked. “Sounds like one of those special effects from that campy Batman in the sixties. You know, the one where the Caped Crusader would give a knuckle sandwich to The Riddler’s cronies? BAM! BOFFO! FATWA!”

Brother Andrew was unfazed after he got schooled on Fatwa. “We have prayer partners around the world, each sponsoring a ducky. I think they’re up to the challenge. We basically told them, ‘if anything happens to your ducky, we know how spiritual you are.’”

Open Doors plans to release the Rubber Ducky Bible on the Tigris and Jordan rivers during Ramadan in 2008.

“Hee hee hee,” chuckled Andrew. “This is about the only instance I can think of where it’s OK for a Christian to give someone the bird.”