SHELBY, NC – Waitress Doris Philbeck of Earl’s 25 Hour Grill is thrilled with her promotion to Head Server. According to Philbeck, the advancement means she will no longer have to work the Sunday afternoon shift when tips typically hit a weekly low. “Thank goodness I don’t have to endure that church crowd anymore. We have a nickname for them around here – God’s Tightwads.”

The 10-year restaurant veteran echoed the sentiments of her cafe colleagues who have grown weary of serving large parties of Christians and receiving less than 5% gratuity. In an exclusive THO interview conducted in the break room during Monday’s ‘Early Bird’ shift, Philbeck said, “It’s like, the longer and louder they say grace, the less tip you can expect. Everybody knows it. It’s infuriating. The worst is when they leave you a tract instead. One flocking member even left funny money with some ‘plan of salvation’ on it. Thanks. I’m sure Kroger’s redeems those for bread and milk. And if they don’t, I’ll just pray the sinner’s prayer until my hunger pains subside.”

Philbeck’s experience is buttressed by research from the Barna Group, who revealed that only 1 out of every 10 Christians leaves a tip of 15% or more. The group’s recent findings exposed a startling nationwide epidemic that reached a crisis point on February 25th – the opening night of Mel Gibson’s “The Passion of the Christ.”

The newly ordained Head Server believes it is a day that will live in dining infamy. “We call it ‘Black Wednesday,’” said the haggard single mother, 33, while taking a drag from a Salem Light 100. “After the matinee at Cinetropolis, all the homeschoolers started trickling in, and it was on. Youth groups of 6, 8, and 11 with their ‘Xtreme Teen’ Bibles and ‘Acquire the Fire’ T-shirts. Well, the only thing I acquired was the two buck tip their den mothers would leave after a $70.00 tab. And it only got worse from there. Singles groups, AWANA, Bethel Assembly’s 173 members, the Cloggers for Christ – it didn’t matter. I had one party of 47 who rang up a $634 bill. You know what I got? A $5 spot and a ‘This Was Your Life’ tract. How prescient. I dang near ‘offed’ myself that night.”

The seasoned waitress’s nasal exhale seemed to release more than mere cigarette smoke. For Philbeck, the shift change resulting from her promotion is an emancipation from years of Sunday afternoon stiffings. “All I know is, I can go home after my shift and tell my daughter that we can afford cable now. And no more nightmares about men and women in Lord’s Gym and Real Men Love Jesus T-shirts. Thank God for truckers and bikers.”