CHICAGO – A new study to be published in Christianity Today magazine exposes a dangerous wave of church subculture that has built enormous momentum over the past decade. Hazing, which until now has been almost entirely associated with college fraternities and sororities, has made its way into our churches as a method of initiating would-be small group members and filtering out those too weak to join. While most colleges have squelched hazing in recent years, a new surge in small group hazing—resulting in at least two fatalities—is causing some pastors to follow suit and ban the practice altogether.

“This has got to stop!” said Pastor Gene Appel of Willow Creek Community Church in South Barrington, IL. “Even if there weren’t any deaths, it’s difficult for me to concentrate during my preaching when there’s someone skipping on stage behind me wearing nothing but flannelgraph characters taped over his privates! I’m sure that’s not where cartoon-Moses wants to be poking his staff.”

Events like this are occurring across the country.

The study, conducted by Christian Research International, found evidence that services in every region of the United States are being interrupted by small group hazing. The McGeorge’s small group at Hickory Square Baptist in Keene, NH required all of its 6 pledges to shout “bless you” or “gesundheit” every time their pastor said “Gethsemane” during their Easter service. Arthur Culver, a small group pledge at Kendall United Methodist Church in Miami, FL, was instructed to sit in the front row and eat and drink all of the communion elements when they were passed.

Other reported instances of hazing stretch beyond Sunday morning and into the daily lives of pledges. Sam Mills of Logan, MT was among the 4 pledges woken at 3am and instructed to shovel 9 inches of snow off Logan Church of God’s 2-acre parking lot immediately and barefoot. Terri Wendt of Sonora Bible Church in Texas was ordered to sign up for all 48 shifts of SBC’s 24-hour prayer watch in November.

“Who can measure the damage inflicted on the Kingdom due to things like this?” fumed Pastor Aaron Vang of SBC. “The only thing less effective than Terri’s last 10 or 15 prayer watch shifts is this hazing and its attempt to assemble quality small groups!”

Keith Hatter, 5-year “Alpha-Alpha-Omega” small group leader at New Faith Community in Seattle, WA, disagrees.

Pledge Clayton Briggs searches for Ezra 3:7 in a “sword drill” to avoid getting hit with “The Bible Thumper.”

“Maybe in the 80s small group pledging wouldn’t have had as good a purpose. But some churches are so large these days that there are enough people to make entire small groups out of just the cool people. There has to be a way to ensure that happens. C’mon, we don’t want just anyone signing up for Alpha-Alpha-Omega! They can go to the Forester’s group, which still allows sign-ups, thank God.”

But the sobering fact, as the study reports, is that there have been two recent deaths resulting from small group hazing. While some argue the deaths, caused by an automobile accident during two pledges’ “high-speed drive-by evangelism” duties, are atypical, many elders use the fatalities as a basis on which to ban hazing in their churches.

Leonard Kindred, principal investigator for the study, explained to THO, “We’re no longer just talking about doing the Bible study homework for the small group leaders, speaking only with small group brothers and sisters, or learning the small group anthem. We’ve recorded countless examples of dangerous spiritual activities taking place. One poor pledge was forced to eat nothing but unleavened bread for 40 days, which is the standard pledge period. He ended up in the hospital with chronic constipation and fecal impaction.”

With this study’s release, many church leaders are at a crossroads as to how seriously they will take the potential dangers of small group hazing.

Said Pastor Chris Malcolm of Sun Valley Episcopal in Fresno, CA, “I was unaware that these dangers could exist in my church, but I’ve decided to bring them up at my next small group meeting. My group has recruited like all of the best Christians in the congregation so we’ll stay on top of this issue!”

“I was sitting in the all purpose sanctuary, enjoying my chai tea latte, when the woman up front invited new visitors to see someone on the welcome team if they wanted more information about the church,” Freeman said. “I’d already been handed a brochure with the mission and vision statement, a copy of the latest newsletter and a welcome packet. I was out of hands at that point.”

Freeman says he kept the Applebee’s gift certificate from the welcome packet and tossed the rest with his coffee cup.

Jeff C. – D-Ville, PA

Hymn: "A Mighty Fortress Is Our God"

Why?: First, it takes forever to sing. It divides the word cruel into like 8 syllables, plus since he is really Superman’s arch nemesis, is it a good idea to sing songs by Luther?

THO’s Response: Pope Leo X was Superman? Wow, did we have that one wrong…

Gene – Intercourse, PA

Hymn:
"Make Us, O God, A Church That Shares"

Why?: I know it sounds fake, but this is a real hymn. We sang it in church once, and I couldn’t believe it. What’s next, ‘"Make Us, O God, A Church That Eats Our Vegetables?"

THO’s Response: It doesn’t sound any faker to us than the name of your town.

Two Dogs – Squaw Creek, OR

Hymn: "Rock of Ages"

Why?: Although it is Aged, it never, ever Rocks! What the heck is, "cleft for me," anyway!? That’s only the second line, and by then I’m ready to send the organist to their reward, permanently, and bury him/her inside of the organ, never to be exhumed again, with a leaking barrel of PCBs as a tombstone. Rabid weasels ripping my flesh, or a 3rd-world root canal has much more appeal than enduring that dreary dirge once more. I love our beloved senior saints, but it is the only hymn that makes me actually hate old people! But maybe you want to hear how I actually feel….?

THO’s Response: (Backing slowly away) Um, sure. Maybe later?

Rowdy B. – McDonough, GA

Hymn: "Hymn 210"

Why?: That one has always bugged me. Something about that 2nd verse just doesn’t sound right.

Chad M. – Atlanta, GA

Hymn: "All of them"

Why?: Because my Emerging Church insists on re-doing hymns with face-melting guitar solos and loud drums as a way to pander to the old crowd and young crowd at the same time. It just plain sucks. I wish we would just play "Shout to Lord" every week.

THO’s Response: Man, that does suck, Chad. We’re sorry to hear they’re forcing your to attend that church.

Kevin – Richmond, KY

Hymn: "Amazing Grace"

Why?:
Verse 1 says "wretch like me." This is too self degrading. If Joel Olsteen doesn’t preach it, we shouldn’t sing it. Verse 6 says "bright shining like the sun." Too much reference to human induced global warming. It would be better sung "bright shining like a florescent bulb."

Jay – Stockton, CA

Hymn: "Open the Eyes of My Heart"

Why?: I know it’s not a hymn, but in the name of all that is holy, sing unto the Lord a NEW song.

THO’s Response: We didn’t catch that. Could you please repeat your answer a few times?

Dan P. – Roswell, NM

Hymn: "How Great Thou Art"

Why?: I have seen grown men hurt their chances for ancestry trying to hit the high notes in that song.

Davy – Fort Worth, TX

Hymn: "Super Mario Bros Theme"

Why?: Because I don’t think we should be worshiping Mario, which might be why I’ve never heard this song during Church.

THO’s Response: Probably best to ban it, just in case.

Jeremiah B. – Corpus Christi, TX

Hymn: "Jesus, Republican at Thy Birth"

Why?: Jesus was clearly a Libertarian.

THO’s Response: Does that mean Ron Paul actually has a chance? Sweet.

Ann-Marie M. – Ontario, Canada

Hymn: "How Great Our Joy"

Why?: Every time I hear this song I throw up a little. Singing it year after year in choir the ‘Joy Joy Joy’ part gives me nightmares.

Elrood – IL

Hymn: "There Is a Fountain Filled With Blood"

Why?: EWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!! GROSS!!!!!!!!!!!!

THO’s Response: Good point.