The Holy Observer » In Brief

Worship Leader Sues Church for Thigh Slapping Injury

THO Staff — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 05:04:53 +0000

OAK PARK, IL — Worship Leader Eunice Matthews has brought suit against Oak Park Community Church, claiming that they are responsible for a thigh injury that she suffered while leading Sunday morning worship.

The lawsuit, filed in US District Court last week, claims that Matthews gave herself a severe deep thigh bruise while slapping her thigh to the beat of a worship tune in an effort to get the congregation clapping nearly a month ago. The suit further claims that the church was criminally negligent in not providing Matthews with a headset, which she says would have allowed her to clap her hands instead of her thigh. Matthews said she asked church leaders to provide a headset on numerous occasions and complained about ongoing thigh pain.

Matthews is seeking remuneration for lost wages, saying she has been unable to perform her duties at her job as a dog trainer.

Outreach to Midgets Comes Up Short

THO Staff — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 05:02:47 +0000

Pastor John Huber still has a burden for little people. This, in spite of the fact that his evangelistic efforts among Orange County’s diminutive sinners have produced no converts. “We’ve just got to raise the bar,” the unflappable Baptist minister said.

A weekend crusade for little people held last week at his Santa Ana church was virtually unattended, even though guest speakers included Verne Troyer of Austin Powers fame, and Bushwick Bill of Geto Boys. Each gave their testimonies to a crowd of five – Huber and his family.

Huber, often derided by local pastors who fish for congregants among Orange County’s elite, likes to remind his colleagues that all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.

Visitor Wants Less Information About Church

THO Staff — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 18:15:04 +0000

ST. LOUIS, MO – Derek Freeman found himself experiencing information overload on a recent first time visit to nearby Chesterfield Community Church.

“I was sitting in the all purpose sanctuary, enjoying my chai tea latte, when the woman up front invited new visitors to see someone on the welcome team if they wanted more information about the church,” Freeman said. “I’d already been handed a brochure with the mission and vision statement, a copy of the latest newsletter and a welcome packet. I was out of hands at that point.”

Freeman says he kept the Applebee’s gift certificate from the welcome packet and tossed the rest with his coffee cup.

Heavenly Greetings To Become More Blunt, Accurate

THO Staff — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 14:28:26 +0000

HEAVEN – Sources close to Jesus say the Lord has grown weary of greeting lukewarm Christians with the traditional “well done, thou good and faithful servant.”

Christ was seen Monday rolling his eyes at new arrivals who filtered in after Hope Chapel’s bus crashed on its way to a Michael W. Smith concert in Temecula, Calif. “He just sort of looked exasperated when He sighed and waved them over, a la some dock worker helping a trucker back in his rig.” one angel said.

Martin Jones—who got saved at 21 and spent most of his life making millions of dollars while attending Hope’s truncated early service—was stunned. “I was a little embarrassed,” said Jones, 58. “He put His hands on His hips, shook His head, looked me square in the eyes and said: ‘Well, that was real half-assed.’”