VATICAN CITY — An unprecedented summit of Christian leaders convened here earlier this month to take part in a summit to address what many fear could be the greatest spiritual crisis of our time — a shortage of prayer.

“With the global economic crisis touching more and more lives around the world, we have just one question,” said Cardinal Sean Patrick O’Malley. “Where is all of the extra prayer that these people need going to come from?”

A portion of the summit, which included both evangelical and Catholic leaders from around the world, was focused on finding alternative sources of prayer to solve the looming prayer gap over the long term, but the vast majority of the sessions targeted ways to get Christians to reduce their need for prayer and become good stewards of what leaders are calling “supernatural resources.” All of these discussions culminated in a loud and clear message to Christians: reduce your prayer footprint.

While no formal definition of a prayer footprint exists, it is generally understood to be a rough calculation of the total amount of prayer used to address the requests and needs of a given Christian. Leaders are suggesting a number of simple steps for believers to reduce their contribution to the expected prayer shortage.

But a joint statement signed by the 200-plus summit attendees suggests that small changes in the way Christians around the world ask for and receive prayer won’t be enough.

“All available data points to Christians praying less and less while requiring more and more prayer,” the statement reads. “Eliminating obvious waste in the prayer process will alleviate prayer problems in the short term, but the long term solution will have to include both a significant reduction in the prayer footprint of the average Christian and a vigorous search for alternative sources of prayer.”

Accomplishing those goals, said summit attendees, will require a fundamental paradigm shift in the Christian community.

“We know that the average Christian prays just five to ten minutes a day, and that the number of Christians is finite,” said Focus on the Family Founder James Dobson. “This is going to lead to some tough questions. Does your sister’s ankle sprain really need to use up supernatural resources in these times? Do we need to pray for every single person who has a non life-threatening illness, or can we lump them all together into a single line item? As Christians, we need start thinking seriously about shepherding this resource in a responsible way.”

Summit attendees also began the process of establishing guidelines to help Christians calculate their prayer footprint, as well as details of a Supplication Mitigation system that allows Christians to offset an overuse of supernatural resources by purchasing prayer credits. Proceeds from the sale of these credits will go to fund research into alternative sources of prayer.

“We’ve been looking into the possibility of prayer centers in India to handle some of the anticipated prayer load,” Bell said. “We’ve also given some thought to approaching the Screen Actor’s Guild to get actors and extras in church scenes on TV and in movies to take an actual list of prayer requests when they have to act like they’re praying. These are the kinds of creative, out-of-the-box solutions we need at a time like this.”

It’s unclear whether the prayer footprint summit will be an annual event, but organizers are making an unusual request of the public.

“Please don’t pray for our efforts,” O’Malley said.

CHICAGO – A new study to be published in Christianity Today magazine exposes a dangerous wave of church subculture that has built enormous momentum over the past decade. Hazing, which until now has been almost entirely associated with college fraternities and sororities, has made its way into our churches as a method of initiating would-be small group members and filtering out those too weak to join. While most colleges have squelched hazing in recent years, a new surge in small group hazing—resulting in at least two fatalities—is causing some pastors to follow suit and ban the practice altogether.

“This has got to stop!” said Pastor Gene Appel of Willow Creek Community Church in South Barrington, IL. “Even if there weren’t any deaths, it’s difficult for me to concentrate during my preaching when there’s someone skipping on stage behind me wearing nothing but flannelgraph characters taped over his privates! I’m sure that’s not where cartoon-Moses wants to be poking his staff.”

Events like this are occurring across the country.

The study, conducted by Christian Research International, found evidence that services in every region of the United States are being interrupted by small group hazing. The McGeorge’s small group at Hickory Square Baptist in Keene, NH required all of its 6 pledges to shout “bless you” or “gesundheit” every time their pastor said “Gethsemane” during their Easter service. Arthur Culver, a small group pledge at Kendall United Methodist Church in Miami, FL, was instructed to sit in the front row and eat and drink all of the communion elements when they were passed.

Other reported instances of hazing stretch beyond Sunday morning and into the daily lives of pledges. Sam Mills of Logan, MT was among the 4 pledges woken at 3am and instructed to shovel 9 inches of snow off Logan Church of God’s 2-acre parking lot immediately and barefoot. Terri Wendt of Sonora Bible Church in Texas was ordered to sign up for all 48 shifts of SBC’s 24-hour prayer watch in November.

“Who can measure the damage inflicted on the Kingdom due to things like this?” fumed Pastor Aaron Vang of SBC. “The only thing less effective than Terri’s last 10 or 15 prayer watch shifts is this hazing and its attempt to assemble quality small groups!”

Keith Hatter, 5-year “Alpha-Alpha-Omega” small group leader at New Faith Community in Seattle, WA, disagrees.

Pledge Clayton Briggs searches for Ezra 3:7 in a “sword drill” to avoid getting hit with “The Bible Thumper.”

“Maybe in the 80s small group pledging wouldn’t have had as good a purpose. But some churches are so large these days that there are enough people to make entire small groups out of just the cool people. There has to be a way to ensure that happens. C’mon, we don’t want just anyone signing up for Alpha-Alpha-Omega! They can go to the Forester’s group, which still allows sign-ups, thank God.”

But the sobering fact, as the study reports, is that there have been two recent deaths resulting from small group hazing. While some argue the deaths, caused by an automobile accident during two pledges’ “high-speed drive-by evangelism” duties, are atypical, many elders use the fatalities as a basis on which to ban hazing in their churches.

Leonard Kindred, principal investigator for the study, explained to THO, “We’re no longer just talking about doing the Bible study homework for the small group leaders, speaking only with small group brothers and sisters, or learning the small group anthem. We’ve recorded countless examples of dangerous spiritual activities taking place. One poor pledge was forced to eat nothing but unleavened bread for 40 days, which is the standard pledge period. He ended up in the hospital with chronic constipation and fecal impaction.”

With this study’s release, many church leaders are at a crossroads as to how seriously they will take the potential dangers of small group hazing.

Said Pastor Chris Malcolm of Sun Valley Episcopal in Fresno, CA, “I was unaware that these dangers could exist in my church, but I’ve decided to bring them up at my next small group meeting. My group has recruited like all of the best Christians in the congregation so we’ll stay on top of this issue!”

SANTA ANA, CA – For everyone who has ever tuned into the Trinity Broadcasting Network (TBN)—broadcast on satellite and cable systems across the country—and thought, “This can’t be serious,” it turns out you were right.

Local and federal law enforcement officials have uncovered an elaborate scheme engineered by an atheist group and aimed at embarrassing the Christian religion; a scheme that has been going on for nearly 30 years.

Among other startling discoveries, officials have learned that TBN—which has claimed from the beginning to exist for the purpose of furthering God’s kingdom – was actually founded by Broadcasters Against God (BAG)—a loosely organized faction of Hollywood atheists—in 1973 and has been operated by the group ever since.

“We’ve been on this case for years,” said special federal investigator Scott Hines. “I mean, come on. Have you ever watched this channel?”

A 250-page report released this week reveals that TBN’s ridiculous-looking sets featuring enormous purple thrones lined with ornate gold patterns and hosts with huge hairdos and caked-on makeup were used purposely to give bleary-eyed channel surfers a distorted view of Christianity.

“The biggest surprise to me is that we were able to get away with it for so long,” BAG President Wayne Mailer said in a signed confession included in the report. “I mean, seriously, Christians were actually giving money to keep this channel on the air! It was unbelievable.”

In fact, TBN was primarily supported by viewer contributions over the years, although officials are now taking a good, hard look at the motives behind a series of large gifts from media mogul Ted Turner.

“I pity the fools who gave money to this network,” born again entertainer Mr. T said upon learning of the scam. He’s just one of many Christians who unwittingly participated in the deception by making numerous appearances on TBN.

“This is totally whack,” echoed Christian music artist Carman, another TBN regular. “Anyone who would carry on something like this for so long needs a check up from the neck up. What the dilly?”

It’s unclear what charges will be levied against BAG since there are no laws against disingenuous programming. But one thing is almost certain—officials have no intention of walking away from years of investigating without handing down a conviction.

“Just putting together this kind of painful television for two decades deserves pretty serious punishment,” Hines said. “Believe me, we’re gonna make something stick.”

MUSKEGON, MI – In the days leading up to July 6th, the U.S. government and private technology experts issued warnings that hackers involved in a loosely organized contest planned to attack thousands of computers across the country. Although the contest is over and the severity of the damage is unknown, it is certain that at least the owners and users of BibleGateway.com have fallen victim to one hacker’s malicious and deceptive onslaught. The attack involved breaking into BibleGateway.com’s computers and switching the online versions of the King James Bible and the Amplified Bible. The results of this assault echoed through sanctuaries and chapels all across the nation.

From Sunday at 1:28 AM till Tuesday at 7:39 PM anyone at BibleGateway.com who looked up passages in the King James Version of the Bible was actually presented with passages from the Amplified Bible (and vice versa). It wasn’t until BibleGateway.com’s feedback center was bombarded with thousands of complaints that they looked into and resolved the issue. Compliments were also submitted.

Barbara Hamburg, one of the site’s support specialists recalls, “At first we were confused. I mean, the complaints were very confusing, like, ‘Your KJV sucks!’ and ‘What foul-mouthed blasphemer wrote your Bibles?’ So for a couple of days we just responded with our standard ‘Just trust in the Lord and pray—everything will work out for good!’ That usually does the trick.”

Rainford explains, “I was up very late on little sleep Friday night gathering God’s word for my sermon slides. I must’ve been too tired to notice the devil’s foothold pulling me down into the demonic realm of blasphemy. The screen said it was the KJV, but evil can creep in very subtly!”

Some of Rainford’s cohorts, while horrified by the mix-up, are surprised that he of all people could let this slip by. Pastor Dale Embrook, another speaker at the conference, explains, “Good mercy, there was nothing subtle about the toxin that was spewing from his mouth! How Satan was able to deceive him on such a simple verse, I do not know.”

The verse in question is John 11:35—the shortest verse in the Bible. Instead of reading “Jesus wept,” as found in the KJV, Rainford quoted the Amplified Bible and read, “Jesus, the certain god-man whose blessed flesh was pierced by the sword as he, the redeemer of all iniquity, stood troubled in the shadow of one man’s recent death as the power-indwelling Spirit set weight on his holy tear ducts, wept.”

Billy Zeoli, president and CEO of BibleGateway.com’s parent company Gospel Communications International, responded to the hacker’s attack, “We are truly saddened by this malicious act. Also, as unfortunate and disturbing as this attack is, it is clearly stated in our disclaimer that the accuracy of our online content cannot be guaranteed and Gospel Communications International is not in any way liable for the negative ramifications that may result from the use of its content. Again, our hearts are with each and every victim of this crime.” His compassion runs deeper still, as he later vowed to “pay more attention” to the integrity of gospelcom.net’s content.

As the AFBA and every other victim of this ruthless attack begins to heal, we are reminded that evil has no boundaries in its quest to corrupt what is good and deceive oblivious Internet users.

SOUTH BARRINGTON, IL – In perhaps the most extreme example to date of churches halting ministries during the traditionally slower summer months, Willow Creek Community Church – one of America’s prototypical mega-churches – has decided to close its doors until after Labor Day.

“The church leadership took a look at where attendance and giving were last summer, and when you look at the numbers, the case for closing shop just makes a lot of sense,” said Willow Creek Senior Pastor Bill Hybels. “For years we’ve been trying to justify the expense of operating throughout the summer when schools are closed and people are on vacation. We just couldn’t do it any more. If people are going to put their spiritual growth on hold until September anyway, why should the church fight it?”

While weekly services and other regular ministries have all been canceled, some special, summer-specific programs like summer camps will still go on as scheduled.

“It’s not like the church will be disappearing off the face of the earth,” said Church Administrator David Widener. “We’re still having the big Third Day concert, along with any other events that traditionally bring in a good amount of money. Plus we’ll still have a pastor on call at all times just in case anyone has a spiritual need that absolutely can’t wait until September.”

While many churches have been putting Bible studies, choirs and other portions of regular church life on the back burner during the summer for years, this may be the first example of a church scheduling a complete shutdown.

“I see this as part of a trend of church attendance as we know it taking a serious dip around the world, and not just during the summer months,” said Robert Holmes, president of the Center for the Study of World Religion – a London-based religion think tank. “With so many media options out there for people to get their spiritual enlightenment, the practice of church attendance is in real trouble. Mark my words. This is a harbinger.”

Not surprisingly, Hybels doesn’t see it that way.

Hybels is planning on 6 weeks in Tahiti

“Willow Creek has been setting trends for the rest of the evangelical community for decades,” he said. “When we started changing the way we do worship and outreach, you had people acting like it was the end of the world. Now they’re all doing the same things. This is going to strengthen our church. The money we save by shutting down over the summer will go toward reaching people for Christ during the rest of the year. When other churches see how this benefits us, shutting down for the summer will soon become as common as church names that have nothing to do with God or Christianity.”

Josh Allen – a 13-year-old who regularly attends Willow Creek with his parents – is on Hybels’ side.

“No more hymnals. No more pews. No more sermons to make me snooze,” Allen rhymed with glee. “I’ll see you at the pool!”

But not all Willow Creekers share Allen’s enthusiasm.

“We had skits rehearsed and ready to go for every Sunday in the summer,” said Willow Creek Drama Team Leader Leah Cress. “Now all that work is completely worthless. It’s not gonna make much sense to perform a theatrical representation of the importance of beach evangelism in the dead of winter, now is it?”

Despite the detractors, Widener is almost giddy about the concept of saying a fond farewell to summer services.

“No more bloated air conditioning bills for a room that’s only half full,” he said, eyes gleaming. “All that money being saved for God’s kingdom and not being wasted on a scant congregation that would rather be on vacation anyway. It’s a beautiful thing.”

ANNAPOLIS, MD – Christine Eagen sits at the table in her neatly decorated suburban dining room with an open phone book, a wall calendar, a notepad and a laptop. She circles church listings in the phone book with a red sharpie, visits their Web sites on her laptop and pencils in their names on her calendar between November 25th and December 24th, all the while taking copious notes.

“There are so many churches in the area, and we have such a limited amount of time after Thanksgiving,” Eagen says, pausing for a moment to shush her two young boys at play in the adjoining family room. “We try to cram in as much research in as we can during those weeks, but it really becomes a mad dash to the big decision for Christmas Eve.”

Eagan is part of a growing number of Americans who spend a significant amount of time in the weeks after Thanksgiving looking for the perfect church to attend on Christmas Eve or the Sunday before Christmas. A recent study by the Pew Research Institute reports that roughly one-third of Americans say they attend church just once a year, and more than two-thirds of that group choose the Christmas season for their lone pilgrimage. Analysts are expecting American Churches to see the largest-ever group of Christmas-only congregants this year, and they expect these Christmas church shoppers to attend an average of three Sunday services between Thanksgiving and Christmas in the quest for their perfect Christmas church.

“These annual worshippers are becoming less and less content to drag the family down to the corner church at the last minute,” said Robert Holmes, president of the Center for the Study of World Religion – a London-based religion think tank. “Americans are spending weeks and even months picking out the perfect gifts and decorating their homes to create that idyllic Christmas; it seems ridiculous to expect them to risk walking into a big fat dud of a cantata and a lame candlelit congregational singing of Silent Night. These folks want some sizzle in their season.”

That much sought-after sizzle is not going unnoticed by church leaders, who are expected to be especially busy decking the halls and pumping up the production value of their Christmas programming this season in hopes of catching the eyes of the yuletide-only worship set.

“The past few years, we’ve noticed more and more locals slipping into the back pew during worship those two or three Sundays after Thanksgiving,” said Neil Moorehouse, pastor of celebratory arts at Golden Heights Community Church outside of Louisville. “Let’s just say these aren’t really the type of people you’d expect to see in church, so we know they’re there to scope out the music and the decorations. This year we’ll be ready for them.”

Moorehouse has hired a local barbershop chorus and a troop of actors to augment the talent pool for their Christmas services. He’s also planning to book some newspaper and radio ads to generate some buzz. Moorehouse is even talking openly about touching that third rail of church Christmas decorations.

“Of course we’ll have the big tree and the tastefully rustic manger scene, but let’s face it; people want Santa,” Moorehouse said. “I’ve really been leaning on the Elder Board about it this year, telling them the story of the generous Saint Nicholas and suggesting that we have him kneeling in front of the manger to make a real cultural statement. I’m hoping this will be the year that the fat man finally makes his appearance.”

Holmes thinks that the considerable expenses being incurred by Golden Heights and countless other American churches this Christmas season could be the best money they spend all year.

“Not only are people in the giving mood around Christmas, they’re in the end-of-year giving mood,” he said. “I’ve talked to many pastors of large American churches who are planning to incorporate building fund messages into their Christmas pageants. There may have been no room at the inn, but they want to make sure there’s plenty of room in the contemporary worship annex for years to come.”

Moorehouse agrees.

“If we’re only going to get these people once a year, you can bet that they’re going to get a subtle, yet solid sales pitch,” he said. “We have no problem getting our worship through giving on at Christmas time. It’s when we pull out our A-list offertory music, and if you come to Golden Heights, it’s not your imagination; you really do smell a hint of holiday spice potpourri in the offering plate.”

For Eagan, the hunt for the perfect church is just another chore on the growing Christmas to-do list.

“It’s a lot of work, but I really think it’s worth it,” she said. “If we’re going to go to church just once a year, we’re going to make sure it’s extra special. We’ve got a whole lot of services to attend to make sure we get it right.”

CROCKETT’S BLUFF, AR – In a startling collision of modern technology and ministry, Crockett’s Bluff Community Church is the first known church in America to use Logitech’s biochip technology to receive its weekly tithes and offerings.

According to last year’s church theme – “Be ID’d With CBCC in ‘03″ – the congregation of 15,782 outfitted each member of its flock with a subdermal microchip in the right hand. The device, smaller than a mustard seed, contains the banking information of each worshipper and is scanned by an usher as he or she enters the sanctuary.

Pastor Bud Caldwell readily admits news of the action is sure to send end times specialists scrambling to rewrite their works of eschatological punditry. “Oh there’ll be a buzz for a while. Especially from the Van Impe’s. Forgive me for saying this, but it doesn’t take much for Rexella to get her prophetic panties in a bunch. If those two were halfway to heaven when credit cards came out, I can only imagine.”

According to Caldwell, CBCC’s corps of greeters have arrived at a simple formula for deducting funds from each worshipper. “Ten percent off the top for tithe, obviously. When it comes to offering, we just let the Spirit lead. If that doesn’t work, we try to see what kind of car they drive.”

Some church members were admittedly unnerved when Caldwelll cast the vision for the ambitious plan. Three years ago, Allison and Randy Peavey left their sputtering church of 1,500 in Little Rock to attend the suburban fellowship. Said 27 year old homemaker Allison, “I was really shocked, like, ‘is my pastor Nicolae Carpathia or something?’ But when Pastor Bud told us our contributions were still tax deductible, I was reassured.”

“I just figured anybody who runs a church this big has to know what he’s doing,” said Randy, a 42 year old CFO. “Besides, we prayed and felt a peace about it.”

Terry Whisnant, 32, is pragmatic about the whole thing. “I do all my banking online anyway. The chip is just another convenience for me – it’s one less thing to think about at church. Besides, Jesus tells us when we give we shouldn’t let the left hand know what the right hand is doing. I can’t think of a more perfect application of that verse.”

Still, the 51-year-old pastor tries to alleviate the fears of newcomers, often employing lighthearted humor. “Before my message I ask the visitors to give us a “hand” in the work God is doing at CBCC. Get it? Hand…”

What may not be a laughing matter to some newcomers at CBCC is the foyer fellowship policy. In the church’s official welcome brochure, Visitors Pastor Hugh Dowd makes it clear that if you are not chipped, you cannot partake in post-service coffee and donuts. “There is a flipside however,” said Dowd. “Once chipped, you not only get food and fellowship, but you also get a ten percent discount at our bookstore/Starbucks for a year.”

For his part, Lead Deacon Ralph Phillips is just happy to be getting home earlier on Sundays. “By not taking an offering, we’re saving 20 minutes per service. Also, I don’t have to count money afterwards. That’s another half hour. Now I’m home for the 1 o’clock game. How ’bout them Cowboys!”

Though he’s sure to face a firestorm from pre-millennials, the affable Caldwell seems unfazed by the technology’s semblance to what eschatologists such as Hal Lindsay and Chuck Missler refer to as the mark of the beast in Revelation 13. “Look, I’m a classic dispensationalist myself, but I see it as a win-win situation. We either continue at the cutting edge of contemporary ministry, or we trigger the rapture and bada bing, we’re outta here, brother!”