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Posts Tagged ‘ News ’

Visitor Wants Less Information About Church

Dec 17th, 2007 | Category: Church

ST. LOUIS, MO – Derek Freeman found himself experiencing information overload on a recent first time visit to nearby Chesterfield Community Church. “I was sitting in the all purpose sanctuary, enjoying my chai tea latte, when the woman up front invited new visitors to see someone on the welcome team if they wanted more information […]

God to Professional Athletes: Stop Pointing at Me

New declaration from The Almighty makes gesturing to Him on field a sin

Dec 17th, 2007 | Category: Heaven, Sports

HEAVEN – In a press release issued earlier this month, God declared that professional athletes in any sport who point or gesture in any way in His direction while on the field of play will be subject to the normal penalties for committing a sin. The policy seems to have been in the works for […]

Heavenly Greetings To Become More Blunt, Accurate

Dec 17th, 2007 | Category: Heaven

HEAVEN – Sources close to Jesus say the Lord has grown weary of greeting lukewarm Christians with the traditional “well done, thou good and faithful servant.” Christ was seen Monday rolling his eyes at new arrivals who filtered in after Hope Chapel’s bus crashed on its way to a Michael W. Smith concert in Temecula, […]

Asian American Pastor Speaks Only English

Chicago native of Korean descent also knows no martial arts

Dec 15th, 2007 | Category: Church

HOUSTON – The employment of James Kim as youth pastor at Mt. Olive Baptist church here has resulted in some disappointment among church members, but not for the usual pastoral dissatisfaction reasons. “When I saw that we had hired him, I was so excited,” said church treasurer Lilly Rudd. “I thought we could finally start […]

Writers’ Strike Hits TBN Hard

Healing services, fundraising scripts most affected

Dec 15th, 2007 | Category: The Media

COSTA MESA, CA – With the Writers Guild of America about to begin the sixth week of its strike, the nation’s television networks are scrambling to fill gaps in their programming schedules. But the Christian television industry has suffered through a concurrent strike of the Christian Writers Guild, which has staunched the flow of original […]

Analysts Predict Biggest Christmas Church Shopping Season Ever

Churches sharpen seasonal services to nab annual worshippers

Nov 15th, 2007 | Category: Church

ANNAPOLIS, MD – Christine Eagen sits at the table in her neatly decorated suburban dining room with an open phone book, a wall calendar, a notepad and a laptop. She circles church listings in the phone book with a red sharpie, visits their Web sites on her laptop and pencils in their names on her […]

Schedule Change For Local Waitress Means Goodbye Church Crowd, Hello Tips

Jun 15th, 2004 | Category: Society

SHELBY, NC – Waitress Doris Philbeck of Earl’s 25 Hour Grill is thrilled with her promotion to Head Server. According to Philbeck, the advancement means she will no longer have to work the Sunday afternoon shift when tips typically hit a weekly low. “Thank goodness I don’t have to endure that church crowd anymore. We have a nickname for them around here – God’s Tightwads.”

Darwinists Strike Again With T-Rex Eating Ichthus Fish Eating Darwin Fish Emblem

Apr 12th, 2004 | Category: Society

Darwin T-Rex eating the Truth Fish eating the Darwin fish on the tailgate of a 2004 Ford F-150 SAN FRANCISCO, CA – The creators of the notorious “Darwin Fish” car emblem have developed a controversial new product designed to win a decisive victory in a battle that has raged for a decade now. In a […]

Techno-Tithe: Church Implants Microchips in Members’ Right Hands

Apr 12th, 2004 | Category: Church, Technology

CROCKETT’S BLUFF, AR – In a startling collision of modern technology and ministry, Crockett’s Bluff Community Church is the first known church in America to use Logitech’s biochip technology to receive its weekly tithes and offerings. According to last year’s church theme – “Be ID’d With CBCC in ’03” – the congregation of 15,782 outfitted […]

Man Happier About Switch to Mac than Conversion to Christianity

Sep 12th, 2003 | Category: Technology

Steve’s iPower Book CINCINNATI, OH – Cincinnati resident Steve Philips is noticeably more excited about his recent switch from Windows-based PCs to Apple computers than his recent conversion from atheism to Christianity. Philips, an account manager for Choice Communications, was baptized shortly after his conversion and is in contact with Apple computers as a potential […]