CHICAGO – A new study to be published in Christianity Today magazine exposes a dangerous wave of church subculture that has built enormous momentum over the past decade. Hazing, which until now has been almost entirely associated with college fraternities and sororities, has made its way into our churches as a method of initiating would-be small group members and filtering out those too weak to join. While most colleges have squelched hazing in recent years, a new surge in small group hazing—resulting in at least two fatalities—is causing some pastors to follow suit and ban the practice altogether.
Healing services, fundraising scripts most affected
COSTA MESA, CA – With the Writers Guild of America about to begin the sixth week of its strike, the nation’s television networks are scrambling to fill gaps in their programming schedules. But the Christian television industry has suffered through a concurrent strike of the Christian Writers Guild, which has staunched the flow of original programming and has cost the industry’s flagship network an estimated $18 million.
ST. LOUIS, MO – Derek Freeman found himself experiencing information overload on a recent first time visit to nearby Chesterfield Community Church.
“I was sitting in the all purpose sanctuary, enjoying my chai tea latte, when the woman up front invited new visitors to see someone on the welcome team if they wanted more information about the church,” Freeman said. “I’d already been handed a brochure with the mission and vision statement, a copy of the latest newsletter and a welcome packet. I was out of hands at that point.”
Freeman says he kept the Applebee’s gift certificate from the welcome packet and tossed the rest with his coffee cup.
Heavenly Greetings
HEAVEN – Sources close to Jesus say the Lord has grown weary of greeting lukewarm Christians with the traditional “well done, thou good and faithful servant.”
Christ was seen Monday rolling his eyes at new arrivals who filtered in after Hope Chapel’s bus crashed on its way to a Michael W. Smith concert in Temecula, Calif. “He just sort of looked exasperated when He sighed and waved them over, a la some dock worker helping a trucker back in his rig.” one angel said.
Martin Jones—who got saved at 21 and spent most of his life making millions of dollars while attending Hope’s truncated early service--was stunned. “I was a little embarrassed,” said Jones, 58. “He put His hands on His hips, shook His head, looked me square in the eyes and said: ‘Well, that was real half-assed.’”
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Open Doors, the legendary missions network led by Brother Andrew, recently smuggled one Bible into the Middle East. The big deal? Not in traditional format—print, cassette tape or MP3—Andrew’s crew floated all 31,103 verses of the Bible down the Euphrates River, via rubber duckies.
New declaration from The Almighty makes gesturing to Him on field a sin
HEAVEN – In a press release issued earlier this month, God declared that professional athletes in any sport who point or gesture in any way in His direction while on the field of play will be subject to the normal penalties for committing a sin.
Chicago native of Korean descent also knows no martial arts
HOUSTON – The employment of James Kim as youth pastor at Mt. Olive Baptist church here has resulted in some disappointment among church members, but not for the usual pastoral dissatisfaction reasons.
“When I saw that we had hired him, I was so excited,” said church treasurer Lilly Rudd. “I thought we could finally start an outreach to the Chinese and Filipino populations of Houston, but when he opened his mouth I noticed there was no accent at all – even his l’s and r’s were all pronounced right. That’s when I had to ask him if he even spoke Chinese at all. I was completely speechless when he told me he’d never even been outside the US.”
