Techno-Tithe: Church Implants Microchips in Members’ Right Hands

Category: Church, Technology
Techno-Tithe

CROCKETT’S BLUFF, AR – In a startling collision of modern technology and ministry, Crockett’s Bluff Community Church is the first known church in America to use Logitech’s biochip technology to receive its weekly tithes and offerings.

According to last year’s church theme – “Be ID’d With CBCC in ’03″ – the congregation of 15,782 outfitted each member of its flock with a subdermal microchip in the right hand. The device, smaller than a mustard seed, contains the banking information of each worshipper and is scanned by an usher as he or she enters the sanctuary.

Pastor Bud Caldwell readily admits news of the action is sure to send end times specialists scrambling to rewrite their works of eschatological punditry. “Oh there’ll be a buzz for a while. Especially from the Van Impe’s. Forgive me for saying this, but it doesn’t take much for Rexella to get her prophetic panties in a bunch. If those two were halfway to heaven when credit cards came out, I can only imagine.”

According to Caldwell, CBCC’s corps of greeters have arrived at a simple formula for deducting funds from each worshipper. “Ten percent off the top for tithe, obviously. When it comes to offering, we just let the Spirit lead. If that doesn’t work, we try to see what kind of car they drive.”

Some church members were admittedly unnerved when Caldwelll cast the vision for the ambitious plan. Three years ago, Allison and Randy Peavey left their sputtering church of 1,500 in Little Rock to attend the suburban fellowship. Said 27 year old homemaker Allison, “I was really shocked, like, ‘is my pastor Nicolae Carpathia or something?’ But when Pastor Bud told us our contributions were still tax deductible, I was reassured.”

“I just figured anybody who runs a church this big has to know what he’s doing,” said Randy, a 42 year old CFO. “Besides, we prayed and felt a peace about it.”

Terry Whisnant, 32, is pragmatic about the whole thing. “I do all my banking online anyway. The chip is just another convenience for me – it’s one less thing to think about at church. Besides, Jesus tells us when we give we shouldn’t let the left hand know what the right hand is doing. I can’t think of a more perfect application of that verse.”

Still, the 51-year-old pastor tries to alleviate the fears of newcomers, often employing lighthearted humor. “Before my message I ask the visitors to give us a “hand” in the work God is doing at CBCC. Get it? Hand…”

What may not be a laughing matter to some newcomers at CBCC is the foyer fellowship policy. In the church’s official welcome brochure, Visitors Pastor Hugh Dowd makes it clear that if you are not chipped, you cannot partake in post-service coffee and donuts. “There is a flipside however,” said Dowd. “Once chipped, you not only get food and fellowship, but you also get a ten percent discount at our bookstore/Starbucks for a year.”

For his part, Lead Deacon Ralph Phillips is just happy to be getting home earlier on Sundays. “By not taking an offering, we’re saving 20 minutes per service. Also, I don’t have to count money afterwards. That’s another half hour. Now I’m home for the 1 o’clock game. How ’bout them Cowboys!”

Though he’s sure to face a firestorm from pre-millennials, the affable Caldwell seems unfazed by the technology’s semblance to what eschatologists such as Hal Lindsay and Chuck Missler refer to as the mark of the beast in Revelation 13. “Look, I’m a classic dispensationalist myself, but I see it as a win-win situation. We either continue at the cutting edge of contemporary ministry, or we trigger the rapture and bada bing, we’re outta here, brother!”

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14 comments
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  1. I think this is a horrible idea and I can’t believe that a church would ask there members to put implants in there right hand. I am guessing that if a member is missing there right hand this church will put it on the forhead! Does this church teach its members about armegeddon? Are the members aware that in all of these chips is the secret code for 666. Maybe the leaders of this church are evil them selves.

  2. It’s interesting to read articles that describe a church and its congregation, but what makes it interesting is being able to analyze this church and its patrons. What is fascinating though, is seeing how churches are run more and more like businesses. “Tithe Now! and Recieve Friendship and Food (Starbucks non-applicable)! Seeing also how the patrons are more or less apatheistic when it comes to the church itself, but when their money is mentioned all they care about is whether it is tax-deductable.

    And mentioning that tithing is one LESS thing to think about during church makes these people sound like sheep of the worst sense; they are nothing more than passive observers who go to church only because it is their social responsibility. Which is what many churches are becoming: Gathering places. People go to churches more to socialize that to actually participate in teh worship.

  3. I see it as takeing the mark and as far as being out of church early well thats a problem to. Sunday is a day to worship and fellowship. I believe this is one of the churchs that the Lord is talking about in chp 3:14-17 in REV.

  4. 2 Corinthians
    7Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. 8And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.

    It doesn’t say for the Church to demand it. Nor does it say for the pastor to demand it. This is not about end times. This is about SIN. Period. The pastor is not God and has no power on Earth under Heaven to demand anything of any other person on this Earth. Just reading the article makes it clear to me that this Church is about money, not God.

  5. I think is a dis-GRACE! Any church that would require a chip to be placed anywhere on my body, I would have no part in. If you are not chipped you cannot partake in post-service coffee and donuts….WOW! Is this all it takes to tempt a christian…coffee and donuts? And how sad for the pastor that he feels this is a sufficient trade for one’s sole. I am truly saddened for this Minister and more so for the church members. God don’t need ” cutting edge of contemporary ministry” to do his work. God is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. That’s one of the problems with churches these days, their trying to keep up with the world instead of God.

  6. O MICROCHIP É A MARCA DA BESTA DE APOCALIPSE 13 porque uma dita igreja evangelica o implanta nos seus membros amados leiam mais a bilbia por amor a DEUS

  7. NONE OF THE STUFF ON THIS WEB SITE IS TRUE–it says as much when you click on the “DISCLAIMER” at the bottom of the page! Why an organization would promote such untruths is beyond me–especially when they claim to be Christian, and believe in the triune God, Apostles Creed, etc. Only Satan himself mixes the truth with a lie and then promotes it to DECEIVE others (i.e. those who are naive, gullible & trusting)–mostly BELIEVERS, as only they would even care enough to even read it.

    Sad to believe that a site called The “HOLY OBSERVER,” that says that it is “God’s #1 Source for Christian News,” would even waste their time doing Satan’s work for him, trying to deceive our brethren. Believe me, there is nothing “funny” about that! They should focus their energies promoting the TRUTH, promoting the Gospel, helping the poor, hungry, etc.

    WWJD?

  8. Oh GOOD GRIEF!!! Are the response comments part of the joke?

  9. B Torres – It is no wonder that you posted your careless response on 11 September! You were probably part of the plot to destroy America too. Those of us who can see through what the church is trying to do will not be fooled by you just referring to this as a “joke”! It is not a joke to flippantly dismiss the real danger of fooling good, honest, Bible believers.

  10. Seriously? Lol, its funny. Its a spoof people, do you actually believe something this ridiculous would go down. I literally LOL’d HARD with…

    “Ten percent off the top for tithe, obviously. When it comes to offering, we just let the Spirit lead. If that doesn’t work, we try to see what kind of car they drive.”

    hahahaha and I’m a youth director. So funny.

  11. This place has gone too far into the world of globalism and people control to be a place of worship.. What kind of pastor would suject the congregation to such behiavior?

  12. May God forgive the leadership of this church.
    Astounding though it may seem to those who know and live by Scripture (Gods HOLY word) we should not be surprised by this.
    As Luke preaches of; ‘Many’ will fall away… “They on the rock are they, which, when they hear, receive the word with joy; and these have no root, which for a while believe, and in time of temptation fall away.
    Every day there are ‘churches’ compromising’, giving in to this worlds teachings and ethics. Where does God tell us “in any way” at all to compromise our faith, our walk, indeed any form of compromise? Answer: He doesn’t and we should not for anyone.
    My spouse and I left the fellowship we had attended for four years. Compromise has made in roads into many churches in all forms.
    In fact I could not believe a statement a young man made to me. He inquired if we had found another church to attend yet! (This was after two years had passed since we had left.) I replied, ” No, we have not as yet”.
    He replied “You know, you need to just go for the best of the worse”. He proceeded to ‘convince’ me in any way possible that we should be in church.
    I fear that many think like this and this is why we have accepted all of the many many compromises we see inside the church today. The faithful remnant are indeed that, very few in number and faithful in ALL things of, and in Gods Church. Praise God.
    Since our departure from this collective gathering in a building my spouse and I have found Gods out pouring of fellowship with Him more richer and fruitful than anything we could have imagined before. We left with very heavy hearts and much prayer, but The Lord has given us both ‘peace and understanding’ that His will be done and not mans. It will be in His time and His Church, no other decision is acceptable for us.
    Christians:
    Do not compromise your faith.
    Do not give into mans ways, Follow Gods word to the letter.
    Do not waver from the straight and narrow path.
    Do not allow anyone to cause you to stumble.
    As Luke tells us:
    “But that on the good ground are they, which in an honest and good heart, having heard the word, keep it, and bring forth fruit with patience”.

  13. ~(Have just read the disclaimer at the bottom of this page) ~
    Stating that this is indeed a fabricated story…..most amusing….NOT.
    What benefit or credence does this lend to the writer I wonder? I neither find this story amusing, nor in any way beneficial to ANY. Especially as a Christian witness. Claiming to be a Christian organisation and then printing lies….well my heart tells me this is no Christian I would want to be associated with. Shame on those who orchestrated this lie.

  14. This HAS to be a joke . . .

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