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VOLUME 1 • ISSUE 10   |   Release date: March 15, 2004

In This Issue
Ol' Dirty Bastard to Host Dove Awards
Just Stop Saying "Just"
Mom Thinks "Blog" A Euphemism For Sex
Pope's Comments Spark Controversy
Survey Results
March Church Sign of the Month

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Ol' Dirty Bastard to Host Dove Awards
Gospel Music Association Hopes Controversial Rapper Will 'Wu' Wider Audience
Ol' Dirty Bastard to Host Dove Awards

NASHVILLE, TN – In keeping with the Christian entertainment industry's current romance with mainstream media - sparked by the successes of rock bands such as P.O.D., and film-maker Mel Gibson's "The Passion of the Christ" - the Gospel Music Association has tapped rap artist Ol' Dirty Bastard of the defunct hip hop group Wu Tang Clan to host the 35th Annual dove Awards, to be held April 28 at The Gaylord Entertainment Center.

The presence of O.D.B., born Russell Jones, at the typically vapid ceremony is drawing a firestorm of criticism from the evangelical community, most notably from Church of Christ Pastor Dale Blankenship. "Over 100 years ago, we in the Church of Christ sent out a clarion call to Christians everywhere to repent from the pagan practice of playing instruments in their churches. Having warned the apostates of God's wrath against dulcimers and pipe organs, the true Church of Christ has mournfully watched the slippery slope of sin propagated by performers at this award show, from the Gaithers, to Carman, and now the ultimate blasphemy - this Bastard."

At a press conference from the basement of the Grand Ole Opry, G.M.A. President Frank Breeden was quick to defend his choice of O.D.B., known also as 'Osiris'. "The Lord put a burden on our hearts for the urban community. Even with Evanescence drawing the goths, Third Day drawing the soccer moms, and Switchfoot drawing the nerds, we still had a void to fill with the rap crowd we nearly lost forever after last year's wack performance by DC Talk. 'Wack' is a street term." When pressed by a THO reporter as to what qualifies Osiris, also known as 'Dirt McGirt', to host a Christian award show, Breeden replied, "He thanked his 'Big Homie in da sky' at the Grammy's."

Mcgirt, known also as 'Joe Bananas', won the Grammy for his rap song of the year "Hippa to da Hoppa", in which he crooned, 'Now all and together now, to what who? / Rhymes come stinky like a girl's poo-poo'. For his part, Bananas, known also as 'Dirt Dog', is thankful for the opportunity, even if a bit ornery about the Dove's Holy Hip Hop category. Speaking from his home in Long Island, New York, Dog said, "%$^& $#@!$%& #&^%* %$ +*!@ . *&%$! $%#@!^&*! . &*^%$#@! . Know what I'm sayin'? $#%! Michael Tait. I'll bust a cap in his $%&#! Know what I'm sayin'? And where Rebecca St. James? #$@!#$ $%#@! Know what I'm sayin'? I just thank God."

Still, protesters such as Rev. Blankenship remain steadfast in their opposition to Dog, known also as 'Big Baby Jesus'. "Christ's true Church - those immersed in water baptism, who do not play instruments or speak in tongues, or put up with Catholics, will come against this attack from the devil embodied in the person of this Dirty Baby Banana Bastard. It's time for the church to tear down this stronghold of Satan at the Gaylord Entertainment Center. 'Gaylord' - how carnal can you get?"

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