NASHVILLE, TN – In keeping with the Christian entertainment industry's
current romance with mainstream media - sparked by the successes of rock
bands such as P.O.D., and film-maker Mel Gibson's "The Passion
of the Christ" - the Gospel Music Association has tapped rap artist
Ol' Dirty Bastard of the defunct hip hop group Wu Tang Clan to host
the 35th Annual dove Awards, to be held April 28 at The Gaylord Entertainment
The presence of O.D.B., born Russell Jones, at the typically vapid ceremony
is drawing a firestorm of criticism from the evangelical community, most
notably from Church of Christ Pastor Dale Blankenship. "Over 100
years ago, we in the Church of Christ sent out a clarion call to Christians
everywhere to repent from the pagan practice of playing instruments in
their churches. Having warned the apostates of God's wrath against
dulcimers and pipe organs, the true Church of Christ has mournfully watched
the slippery slope of sin propagated by performers at this award show,
from the Gaithers, to Carman, and now the ultimate blasphemy - this Bastard."
At a press
conference from the basement of the Grand Ole Opry, G.M.A. President Frank
Breeden was quick to defend his choice of O.D.B., known also as 'Osiris'.
"The Lord put a burden on our hearts for the urban community. Even
with Evanescence drawing the goths, Third Day drawing the soccer moms,
and Switchfoot drawing the nerds, we still had a void to fill with the
rap crowd we nearly lost forever after last year's wack performance
by DC Talk. 'Wack' is a street term." When pressed by
a THO reporter as to what qualifies Osiris, also known as 'Dirt
McGirt', to host a Christian award show, Breeden replied, "He
thanked his 'Big Homie in da sky' at the Grammy's."
Mcgirt, known also as 'Joe Bananas', won the Grammy for his
rap song of the year "Hippa to da Hoppa", in which he crooned,
'Now all and together now, to what who? / Rhymes come stinky like
a girl's poo-poo'. For his part, Bananas, known also as 'Dirt
Dog', is thankful for the opportunity, even if a bit ornery about
the Dove's Holy Hip Hop category. Speaking from his home in Long
Island, New York, Dog said, "%$^& $#@!$%& #&^%* %$ +*!@
. *&%$! $%#@!^&*! . &*^%$#@! . Know what I'm sayin'?
$#%! Michael Tait. I'll bust a cap in his $%&#! Know what I'm
sayin'? And where Rebecca St. James? #$@!#$ $%#@! Know what I'm
sayin'? I just thank God."
Still, protesters such as Rev. Blankenship remain steadfast in their
opposition to Dog, known also as 'Big Baby Jesus'. "Christ's
true Church - those immersed in water baptism, who do not play instruments
or speak in tongues, or put up with Catholics, will come against this
attack from the devil embodied in the person of this Dirty Baby Banana
Bastard. It's time for the church to tear down this stronghold of
Satan at the Gaylord Entertainment Center. 'Gaylord' - how
carnal can you get?"