WESTCHESTER, NY – "Crazy white people," are the words
Curtis Glover used to sum up his experience at Spirit Depot, a church
touting itself as 'a postmodern expression of Jesus apprentices'
in Westchester, New York. Glover, along with his wife Verna and sons Travis
and Chandler, visited the church while on vacation from Chesapeake, Virginia.
"We should have gone back to the B & B the second we saw the
way those people were dressed," said Glover. "They looked
ready to slam dance at one of those Linkin Bizkit concerts."
"Really though." added Verna. "No suits, no ties, no
Sunday shoes. I told one of the ushers that he needed to show more respect
in the Lord's house. That this was a church, not the mall. Then
he sassed me. Talked about how he wasn't 'at church, he is
the church'. I was like, 'Oh, okay. I must have mistaken that
steeple on your head for a plastic mesh trucker cap, Cooter.' Lord
During an interview with THO in their west end tract home, the family
described their visit to the uber-hip church as "traumatic"
from the start. "Well we walked up the steps to the church, and
'Bryce, your fellow sojourner' as his name tag read, shakes
my hand. Everything was cool until he started some weird hand contortion.
Then I look over at Travis, and one of the kids from the church is asking
him for 'dap,'" said Glover the patriarch.
"I broke him off a pound and thought everything was cool,"
said Travis, 19. "Then the cat runs off yelling, 'Mom, mom!
That black guy gave me dap just like in the Jay-Z videos!' I felt
like a science project. Know I'm sayin'?"
"Don't forget that one lady who started playing with my dooky
braids!" said Chandler, 13. "She kept asking me if I like
L'il Bow Wow. I told over and over I'm into old school punk.
You know, Minor Threat, Dead Kennedys - they're sick. Me and my
friends are like, skaters. She was all, 'you're so cute'
and kept rubbing my head!"
The Glovers found the congregants at Spirit Depot to be a rather patronizing
group. "Look, I'm college educated and don't appreciate
being talked down to by anyone. Especially from the sofa, where's
there's supposed to be a pulpit. And especially during prayer time,"
said Verna. "I mean, the Lead Quarterback, or whatever he calls
himself is up there praying, 'God forgive us for the wrongs of the
last 400 years. We know that You're colorblind, God. We know that
You made one race - the human race.' I was just waiting for, 'we
know some of Your best angels are black, God.'"
"I nearly choked from all the incense," said Curtis. "I
thought I was back at Monterey Pop. Like the praise team was going to
bust out 'Voodoo Child'. Pass the Zig Zags man, let's
smoke an ounce with the white folks," Curtis said with a chortle.
"Well, no amount of incense could get me away from the funk coming
from that gentleman sitting next to me," said Verna. "Wearing
flip flops to church is bad enough, but if you don't have the common
courtesy to keep your feet from getting all janky, you better check yourself
before the Lord. I didn't mean to embarrass him, but I finally had
to put my bulletin over my nose and turn the other way. Smelled like corn
"Don't forget that one girl in the robe," offered Chandler,
who proceeded to stand up, clasp his hands together and pretend to "sleepwalk"
across the living room floor. "She comes out and says, 'now
it's time for lectio divina.' I'm like, 'Yo, I
never heard of them. Are they crunk, or gangsta, or what?' Then
she reads Psalm 2 and stands there. No preaching, no praising, no nothing.
Everybody's just looking around. I'm like, 'what are
these people smoking?'
"I was ready for the Kool-aid and purple Nikes myself," added
Curtis with a boisterous guffaw.
"Yeah. Then she's all, 'That concludes our Celtic worship.'
I'm like, 'Paul Pierce got saved?'"
"Then all of the sudden, monk music comes over the speakers and
they show some bizarre video clips on the big screen. Looked like finger
painting. I thought I was at Pink Floyd, '71, man!" said Curtis,
covering his mouth while giggling.
THO asked the Glovers if they stayed for refreshments and fellowship.
"You kidding me?" said Verna. "After the trip to the
dark side of the moon, their Backup Quarterback comes up and tells the
'sojourners' to light the candles. I look around the room,
and there's a cross in every corner with candles all around them!
The Quarterback guy says, 'Now it's time to celebrate the
blood and the body.' I hear Travis yell, 'Ah, *%@# nah!'
If the situation weren't so weird, I would've smacked the
black off him for cussing in a church! Poor Chandler's grabbing
on Curtis saying, 'We gottta bounce, Dad!'. Well, we bounced
like fabric softener. The chants, the robes, the candles, the crosses...I
yelled at poor Curtis the whole way back to the lodge, 'You brought
your family to a Klan rally, fool!'" The Glover family erupted
in laughter, seemingly over the ordeal.
Curtis just shook his head. "They need to go back to whatever they
'emerged' out of."