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VOLUME 1 • ISSUE 8   |   Release date: January 15, 2004

In This Issue
No Grace on Moon, Mars
Black Family Flees Emergent Church
THO Guide to Christian Capitalization
Benefits of Abstinence After Marriage
Bible Study Divided for Sex Talk
Survey Results
January Church Sign of the Month

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Frightened Black Family Flees Emergent Church

WESTCHESTER, NY – "Crazy white people," are the words Curtis Glover used to sum up his experience at Spirit Depot, a church touting itself as 'a postmodern expression of Jesus apprentices' in Westchester, New York. Glover, along with his wife Verna and sons Travis and Chandler, visited the church while on vacation from Chesapeake, Virginia.

"We should have gone back to the B & B the second we saw the way those people were dressed," said Glover. "They looked ready to slam dance at one of those Linkin Bizkit concerts."

"Really though." added Verna. "No suits, no ties, no Sunday shoes. I told one of the ushers that he needed to show more respect in the Lord's house. That this was a church, not the mall. Then he sassed me. Talked about how he wasn't 'at church, he is the church'. I was like, 'Oh, okay. I must have mistaken that steeple on your head for a plastic mesh trucker cap, Cooter.' Lord forgive me."

During an interview with THO in their west end tract home, the family described their visit to the uber-hip church as "traumatic" from the start. "Well we walked up the steps to the church, and 'Bryce, your fellow sojourner' as his name tag read, shakes my hand. Everything was cool until he started some weird hand contortion. Then I look over at Travis, and one of the kids from the church is asking him for 'dap,'" said Glover the patriarch.

"I broke him off a pound and thought everything was cool," said Travis, 19. "Then the cat runs off yelling, 'Mom, mom! That black guy gave me dap just like in the Jay-Z videos!' I felt like a science project. Know I'm sayin'?"

"Don't forget that one lady who started playing with my dooky braids!" said Chandler, 13. "She kept asking me if I like L'il Bow Wow. I told over and over I'm into old school punk. You know, Minor Threat, Dead Kennedys - they're sick. Me and my friends are like, skaters. She was all, 'you're so cute' and kept rubbing my head!"

The Glovers found the congregants at Spirit Depot to be a rather patronizing group. "Look, I'm college educated and don't appreciate being talked down to by anyone. Especially from the sofa, where's there's supposed to be a pulpit. And especially during prayer time," said Verna. "I mean, the Lead Quarterback, or whatever he calls himself is up there praying, 'God forgive us for the wrongs of the last 400 years. We know that You're colorblind, God. We know that You made one race - the human race.' I was just waiting for, 'we know some of Your best angels are black, God.'"

"I nearly choked from all the incense," said Curtis. "I thought I was back at Monterey Pop. Like the praise team was going to bust out 'Voodoo Child'. Pass the Zig Zags man, let's smoke an ounce with the white folks," Curtis said with a chortle.

"Well, no amount of incense could get me away from the funk coming from that gentleman sitting next to me," said Verna. "Wearing flip flops to church is bad enough, but if you don't have the common courtesy to keep your feet from getting all janky, you better check yourself before the Lord. I didn't mean to embarrass him, but I finally had to put my bulletin over my nose and turn the other way. Smelled like corn nuts."

"Don't forget that one girl in the robe," offered Chandler, who proceeded to stand up, clasp his hands together and pretend to "sleepwalk" across the living room floor. "She comes out and says, 'now it's time for lectio divina.' I'm like, 'Yo, I never heard of them. Are they crunk, or gangsta, or what?' Then she reads Psalm 2 and stands there. No preaching, no praising, no nothing. Everybody's just looking around. I'm like, 'what are these people smoking?'

"I was ready for the Kool-aid and purple Nikes myself," added Curtis with a boisterous guffaw.

"Yeah. Then she's all, 'That concludes our Celtic worship.' I'm like, 'Paul Pierce got saved?'"

"Then all of the sudden, monk music comes over the speakers and they show some bizarre video clips on the big screen. Looked like finger painting. I thought I was at Pink Floyd, '71, man!" said Curtis, covering his mouth while giggling.

THO asked the Glovers if they stayed for refreshments and fellowship. "You kidding me?" said Verna. "After the trip to the dark side of the moon, their Backup Quarterback comes up and tells the 'sojourners' to light the candles. I look around the room, and there's a cross in every corner with candles all around them! The Quarterback guy says, 'Now it's time to celebrate the blood and the body.' I hear Travis yell, 'Ah, *%@# nah!' If the situation weren't so weird, I would've smacked the black off him for cussing in a church! Poor Chandler's grabbing on Curtis saying, 'We gottta bounce, Dad!'. Well, we bounced like fabric softener. The chants, the robes, the candles, the crosses...I yelled at poor Curtis the whole way back to the lodge, 'You brought your family to a Klan rally, fool!'" The Glover family erupted in laughter, seemingly over the ordeal.

Curtis just shook his head. "They need to go back to whatever they 'emerged' out of."

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