Free Newsletter THO Store The Holy Observer - God's # Source for Christian News Reader Feedback Archives

VOLUME 2 • ISSUE 4   |   Release date: September 15, 2004

In This Issue
Resurrection in Question!
Announcements Display Members' Tithe Amounts
Pastor's Schedule "Really Hectic"
Madonna Declares Herself Messiah of Kabbalah
Christian Pledges to Public Radio
Survey Results
Sept. Church Sign of the Month

Like The Holy Observer on Facebook!

Don't forget to sign up for our FREE email newsletter!

THO HomeSurvey Results Email This Page Printer Friendly
If there were an all-star team for Christians, who would be on it, and why?
Survey results and user comments

Below are some of the votes and comments submitted by readers who took last month's survey.

Shannon - Nashville, TN
Comments: Mac Powell would have to be on it for sure. Any man that can become as well known for his hair cut as Jennifer Anniston is for her haircut deserves some kind of kudos.

Paul - Dallas, TX

  • Billy Graham-put his name on anything and Christians and non-Christians alike will automatically respect it
  • Chuck Swindoll- we need a good radio personality
  • Benny Hinn- the hair, 'nuff said
  • Jan and Paul Crouch- developers of the greatest Christian monument built in contemporary history, plus, where else can you still be inspired by the Omega Code on the big screen? Tithes and offerings well spent
  • Rick Warren- we want our team purpose-driven now, don't we?
  • St. Augustine- we will gain fans from both the Protestants and the Catholics on this one
  • C.S. Lewis- there just aren't enough Clives on teams these days
  • Abraham- three, three, three faiths in one!!
  • Saint Dulaney- the hair, 'nuff said

Rufus - Dreamworld USA
Comments: The line up:

  • Batting 1st and snagging everything that comes his way in Center Field, Jesus Christ (savior of the world)
  • 2nd, on First base, the Pope (sympathy vote: old, falling apart, but a hall-of-famer and crowd pleaser. Besides, the First baseman always thinks he runs the team)
  • 3rd, and on Third base, Martin Luther (he may have Pope issues, but dang can he snag a line drive, pointing out the faults of the other team from his Third base vantage point)
  • 4th in clean up and Catching, Rev. Al Sharpton (can anyone so artfully mouth off to the batters with such style, ease, and rhyme? Besides, he represents.)
  • 5th on Second base, Billy Graham. (clearly, The Man, a crowd pleaser, and during the seventh inning stretch can invite the fans down to get saved.)
  • 6th and playing Left field, DMX (the controversial hype of the team, the left-fielder who talks smack with his gatt buts teaches youngins to pray. RAP SAVES!)
  • 7th and out in Right Field, George W. Bush (a good role model, the world''s policeman, and really, what actually goes out to right field?)
  • 8th and grabbing anything that goes by him..on Shortstop Arnold Schwarzenegger. (an intimidating presence, clearly)
  • Finally 9th and the star Pitcher, Mel Gibson. (Despite Jesus' amazing resurrection, Gibson I think has the ultimate success story.)

Dan - Turlock, CA
Comments: Well, gosh, where do I begin? Obviously Kirk Cameron, with his amazing thespian skills, not to mention his new-found preaching abilities and all that wavy hair. Then you would have to include John Tesh, since he'd probably compose the theme song to the TV Special "Christian All-Stars, 2004." Of course, Mr. T needs to be there, since he can break things and threaten bad guys, all in the name of Jesus. Then we need to add Buck Williams, since he's going to save the world after the rapture next week, and since he's such a dead ringer for Kirk Cameron. And don't forget Amy Grant, who gave us all those classic hits like "Fat Little Baby" and that one song about staying true to your husband no matter what happens. Finally, probably we should add St. Augustine, because he had something to do with writing something about Jesus and how we should all be Christians, or something. Or maybe John Calvin, because he taught us that it was God's will that I write in and answer this survey.

Danny Fremont, CA
Comments: Rick Warren, because every all-star team needs a purpose.
THO's Response: We've posted your answer because there must be something special about the 25th person to say that.

Laura - Metairie, LA
Comments: Pamela Anderson, because Jesus is her homeboy. Sun Myung Moon, since he declared himself Messiah and our Senators crowned him a few months ago. Rush Limbaugh, because he likes THO (ref).

David Poe - Hilltop, MN
Comments: Rich Mullins....he wrote some of the better CCM music of the late 20th century. Plus, since he took a vow of poverty, his salary wouldn't be nearly as high as those who say they aspire to be like him.

Ken DeVries - There's only one of me in Canada, so I don't need to be found ;-)
Comments: Eutychus, who sank "into a deep sleep as Paul talked on and on" (full story in Acts 20:7-12). An inspiration for all those who sleep in church. An inspiration? Yes—Paul did not point him out before he fell into sleep unto death, and even revived him. Heavens, Paul wasn't bothered at all, he carried on his good-bye sermon until daylight! Second nominee: Job. He lost everything but his whiny wife and lousy friends, and yet he praised the Lord. What would he have done if he lost the wife and friends?
THO's Response: So you must live at 322 Shuter Rd. in Wingham, ON. There are actually 3 other Ken Devries in Canada, but they don't do that clever capital V thing. And to answer your question, we think that Job still would've praised the Lord had he also lost his wife and friends. ...or was that another one of your rhetorical questions? Dangit! We always answer those!

Ken DeVries (again)
Comments: I hope no-one nominates Onan (Gen. 38:8-10). Or (shudder) Benny Hinn. BTW, what does the "all-star team" get to play? Ping-pong, badminton, chess, shuffleboard, or Bible trivia?
THO's Response: Are those our only options? Hyphenating "no one" must be one of those Canadian/French things, eh?

Danny - Clarksville, IN
Comments: Me. Because somebody needs to warm the bench.
THO's Response: But really, the best bench warmers are people who talk a lot of crap and are really loud and obnoxious, but don't really do anything productive for the team—like Jesse Jackson.

Rick Presley - Marengo
Comments: Billy Graham would definitely be the Nolan Ryan - oldest pitcher to get an all star win. Like the Energizer bunny, he keeps going and going and going...

Ben Walker - Cincinnati, OH
Comments: Definitely William Lane Craig and Ravi Zacharias to cover all of the neural aspects of the game (I haven't seen either of them ever lose a debate). Rexela Van Impe (just because her name looks intimidating on the roster). But then of course you've got to have Mr. T, just in case the "all stars" find themselves trapped in a junkyard/barn/warehouse where their only hope of escape is to build a tank that shoots produce... oh, and with a little help from the magic of cinema, he can also throw stuntmen over cameramen. Benny Hinn should man the bench so he can cool the team down with that sanctified blowing; you know, the kind that makes you feel like warm honey is flowing over your body... on second thought, that really doesn't sound so refreshing.

Tim - Oneonta, AL
Comments: I don't know, but I feel confident that John Kerry and Al Gore will co-captain the team they are playing against.

Zack Martin - Plainfield, IN
Comments: Enoch & Elijah... they didn't die, need we say more? Also, R. Kelly. He taught people that it's ok to be a Christian and a perverted sex-freak, as long as you say you "got religion." And, not to leave anyone out, Deion Sanders. He shows us that humility has no place in the Christian realm. Sure, you convert to being a Christian, but you can still wear your flashy suits, and show off your expensive jewelry. What good is being a Christian, if you can't still be better than "the least of these."

Chris - Ft. Drum, NY
Comments: Allah - because there is no god but Allah and Mohammed is his prophet. The members of Creed - how could such a spiritual and (possibly) Christian band not be included amongst the all-stars of Christendom?
THO's Response: Good answer mostly, but we're going to have to disallow Creed because we're not sure they're Christians.

Zeb - Cheyenne, WY
Comments: My old pastor, he wasn't exactly "Christ-like," but he sure could swing a bat.
THO's Response: Very impressive, at his age!

Ruth - New York, NY
Comments: Serena Williams, cause she kicks a** and we want her on our team. I think she might be a Christian, look at those abs!
THO's Response: OK, but the "no cat-suit rule" is in effect.

Erasmus - Dallas, TX

  • Martin Luther - he brought us what we know today as the Reformation, and the Internet.
  • John Calvin - if not for him, what would we Christians have to argue about?
  • Dwight L. Moody - he has a magazine named after him, and a college, and a bookstore,
  • My pet alligator Ralph Furley - not sure as to his religious beliefs, but, he was the precursor to the contemporary televangelist look
  • Jonathon Edwards - he was just a really cool guy. That ought to count for something.
  • Ulrich Zwingli - say that five times fast!
  • J.A. Dulaney - developed the noogie as a form of church discipline
  • Kirk Cameron - his active participation in acting leaves me in anticipation that Growing Pains may have a reunion special brewing, which could possibly spawn a Boner Stabone spin-off!
  • Fyodor Dostoevsky - if you made it past the Ulrick Zwingli thing...
  • Greg Laurie - I just want a free Harvest fanny pack
  • Stephen Curtis Chapman - donned the first-known Christian mullet, but, still just not as good as the secular mullet

Dave Morton - Atlanta, GA
Comments: Most certainly, Bono, would have to be on the list. He has this incredible ability to be a Christian, without actually offending anyone. Perhaps it's because he doesn't actually say anything. In any case, his band makes some kick-butt two-chord songs.

Tracy - Corpus Christi, TX
Comments: Bono from U2 would definitely have to be the all-star coach. One word from this icon and all the Christians scatter to make good his admonishment...
THO's Response: Well, according to Dave (previous submission) this won't work out very well if it requires a word from Bono. ps - Dave, we find his silence somewhat offensive.

Rick - Marengo
Comments: Pete Rose could be on if he would repent, ask forgiveness and promise not to get caught doing it again. I think he would jump at the chance since no one else is going to touch him with a 10-foot Louisville slugger. You did say the team was "for" Christians and not composed of Christians, right? Kind of like Contemporary Christian Music....
THO's Response: ZZZZiiiiinnnngggg!!!

Friar Ted - Madison, IN
Comments: Mel Gibson, of course, for making the best Jesus movie ever! Or Victor Garber for starring in the best Jesus musical movie ever (the silliest thing he did was wear a red afro & Superman shirt; he didn't scream-sing like Ted Neeley had to- oh yeah, and he later apologized for not building Kate Winslet a safer boat).

P Morrow - Northern Ireland
Comments: I've thought long and hard but I simply don't know who should be an all-star. One thing is clear however, whoever makes it, we need a team that will play with purpose. My nomination therefore is for the role of coach, and who better to fill that position but Mr. R. Warren. If anyone can motivate a team, it's him. Team players should be aware however that they will be required to commit fully to the vision of the all-stars. Any suggestion of a lack of direction will not be tolerated and players may find themselves dropped with little or no warning. On a more positive note however, appointment of the said Mr. Warren as coach should result in increased numbers of fee-paying spectators and improved sales of all-star merchandise. Give me a P, give me a U, give me an R .... oh you get the idea.
THO's Response: We've posted your vote for R.W. only because it was slightly more thought-out than our other "because he would give the team purpose!!" submissions.

Brian - Vestal, NY
Comments: God should definitely be on it, and Jesus too. But if the purpose of the survey was to find out which humans should be on the team, I'd have to say Jacob and Mark from the Bible. If David hadn't killed Bathsheba for her colorful coat, I'd say he should be there too.
THO's Response: But he did, didn't he!

David S. Poplar - Bluff, MO
Comments: Well, my starting lineup would include Athanasius, St. Thomas Aquinas, C.S. Lewis, Karl Barth, and N.T. Wright. Others on the team would include St. Anselm, Pascal, Descartes, Jonathan Edwards (not THAT Edwards; rather, the one who wrote "Sinners In the Hands of an Angry God"), Tolkien, and for good measure Ole Anthony. John Dominic Crossan would be the waterboy; and Arius would have to collect & wash the uniforms after the games—for all eternity.

Michael Gardner - Fremont, CA
Comments: Jesus... I mean I know it is a cop-out, but his Father owns the league!

Joel - Goshen, IN
Comments: Chuck Norris - He can kick the crap out of enemies with his ninja tactics on one show, then hang with the huge-haired lady on TBN. Talk about all-star quality.

Michelle - Stony Plain, AB Canada
Comments: Mandy Moore - because she played a Christian in A Walk to Remember and so she probably is one, right? That would make her a Christian role model for teens, and definitely deserving of the "all-star Christian" title.

Jeremy - Santa Clara, CA
Comments: David because 2 Samuel 6:14 says that David danced before the LORD with all his might so he must have stamina... hold on he was Old Testament so he doesn't count as a Christian, does he?
THO's Response: We'll count him, but we're not sure how you figure that verse indicates any stamina. Maybe "all his might" allowed him to dance for about 12 seconds. But then, we suppose that would be sufficient stamina for an all-star bull-riding team.

Daniel Josph Xhan - Mississauga, Ontario
Comments: I don't quite know why, but the team seems less relevant than its mascot, which should be a penguin. Maybe it has something to do with the penguin's kinetic grace, or the penguin's accessible natural habitat, or the fact that penguins make good pets and/or operating systems. If the mascot is not a penguin, can I recommend a bloated seal? And by "bloated seal" I do not mean "Rick Warren's Church." That would make it The Bloated Seal™ (Registered Trademark of Bloated Seal Enterprises). If not a bloated seal, perhaps (and this is sort of a last resort) the mascot should be a redneck with a shotgun. Then the mascot could shoot the players when they turn heretical.

rate this page


Bookmark/Share this page:

©2007 The Holy Observer • All Rights Reserved • DISCLAIMERTHE TRUTHAbout THOPrivacyContact THOSyndicate THO!